How to prioritise your children’s needs over your loved one’s addiction

How to prioritise your children’s needs over your loved one’s addiction

by | Saturday, February 5, 2022 | Addiction, Alcohol, Children, Family, Help

In this blog, I want to explore WHY this topic is important and HOW you can prioritise your children’s needs over your loved one’s addiction.

 

 

This is such a delicate issue, but my approach is always with love and support, yet pretty direct, because I’ve worked with children and families for so long and I’m a safeguarding professional as well. I have seen all sides of the impact of parental or carer impact on children and families.

 

 

There’s no denying that this might be tough to read, so please take care and look after yourself. Please reach out for help and support.

 

 

Let’s start with three reasons WHY the needs of a child need to be prioritised….

 

 

  1. Section One of the Children’s Act states that a child’s needs are paramount. This applies to law and any safeguarding situation. In reality, we need to think about the child, what they are seeing, hearing and feeling and ensure they have a voice and, more importantly, that we are a voice for them. No matter who we are and what role we play in society. Aa a coach/professional, as a friend, neighbour, family member or colleague. I understand this can be hard to action, let alone accept, but the question we need to be asking ourselves here is, ‘If I don’t do something to help this/my child, what could the outcome be?’
  2. Because parental/carers substance use is, what we refer to now, an ‘Adverse Child Experience’ . There has been an incredible amount of research on this topic and children are affected by parental substance use emotionally and physically. There has even been research around the impact of non-dependent drinking on children! This can affect on them right through to their adulthood and for the rest of their lives. It can and does affected their mental and physical health. Parental/family substance use is classed as a traumatic experience for a child. It’s so easy to focus on the presenting adult issues, that children can get forgotten, or families think they are doing well at protecting them from it. If you ask yourself this question, ‘What are the children seeing, hearing and feeling?’ even as babies, then you may want to reach out for support.
  3. Families try and resolve the issue themselves. Having worked with families affected by alcohol and drug use for (nearly!) twenty years, I know that families tend to close rank with this issue due to stigma and shame, feeling isolated and alone and thinking they can sort things out themselves. In my experience, this causes ongoing and unnecessary harm to everyone within the family unit. The best thing to do is get EVERYONE in the family the help they need, This includes the person using substances AND affected family members, including children. The earlier support is accessed, the better for everyone, especially the child. It’s easy to think that children don’t know what’s going on. But they do. They see the difference in their parent/carer or family member. They absorb the feelings and atmosphere in the house. The question to ask here is, ‘Which people/services/support can we access to help us with this issue?’ (even if the person using substances doesn’t want help, you can get your own!)

 

Let’s summarise the HOW we can prioritise a child’s needs over a loved one’s addiction…

 

 

  1. Ask them how they feel. Yes. It is that simple. Ask children what they like at home and if there is anything they don’t like. This can be done in an age-appropriate way, of course. Some children will freely talk about their emotions, some need some help. For younger and older children, we can take a moment to put ourselves in their shoes. Think about how the substance use and associated problems may be affecting them.
  2. Be honest about the situation. Telling lies, covering things up and hiding what’s really going on can make things so much worse for children. This means their feelings never get validated and it can cause confusion, loneliness and sadness.
  3. Spend quality time with the children, outside the home if possible, regardless of the choices your loved one makes. This can be as easy as you make it. It often means you need help and support first, so you have the courage and confidence to implement this. But… plan things in with your children and stick to them. If your loved one gets intoxicated, get out of the habit of cancelling plans. Carry on without them. Your life should not revolve around how intoxicated your loved one is. You can choose to continue with your day. This type of courage reduces the impact of substance use on children and allows you all to live your lives.
  4. Set clear and healthy boundaries with your loved one. Yes, it can be so hard when you want to maintain a relationship with someone who has problems with alcohol or drugs, but you do have a choice as to what goes on around children. Sometimes, this might mean children not having contact with a parent, carer or family member for a while. Sometimes, it’s about being very clear with a loved one about not being intoxicated or drinking/taking drugs when children are present. This is not easy, but it is necessary for preventing the impact on children. Families can get help with this from Children’s Services who can take the pressure off the rest of the family by supporting the implementation of those boundaries with your loved one and by encouraging a loved one to make changes.
  5. Get professional help for children. This means letting someone know at school or nursery or letting a health visitor or midwife know what’s going on, so that someone OUTSIDE the family is able to check in with the child and the child has a safe space to share how they feel. Why? Because they may not want to speak to you about it. People worry so much about letting professionals know because it feels so big! But professionals help families with this issue all the time. The LAST thing anyone wants to do is to split up a family. The goal is to put as much support in place as possible for all involved. Of course, you can get private help too, but I still recommend the above anyway.
  6. Get professional help for you! That’s where I come in. I can help you with all of the above. I’ve worked with children and families for two decades. I’m also an Advanced Practitioner with Addiction Professionals. I help my clients to set boundaries, to communicate without conflict, to reduce and stop enabling behaviours and to motivate a loved one to change, while prioritising a safe environment for children. Of course, there are lots of other support services. Please always check out ADFAM for family members and NACOA for children. There are so many resources on these sites.

 

You can also download your free download here- Ten Ways to Family Recovery with my top ten tips for family recovery including a handy checklist and some REALLY useful organisations.

 

 

Please remember that you are not alone.

 

 

  • 1 in 5 children are currently living with an adult who drinks too much (ADFAM)
  • 1 in 10 adults are negatively affected by a loved one’s alcohol or drug use (NACOA)

 

Take that first step.

 

 

There are lots of us out here who can help you.

 

 

Take Care,

 

 

Victoria.

 

P.S. I’d love to know what you think of this blog. Please drop your comments and questions below…

 

 

Get in touch here 

Tel: 07984 837302

Email: victoria@vestaapproach.co.uk

 

Counselling is not the only option- 3 ways to get help with drug and alcohol use

Counselling is not the only option- 3 ways to get help with drug and alcohol use

by | Friday, July 10, 2020 | Addiction, Alcohol, drugs, Family, Help, Therapy

Ever feel confused about the support available for you and your loved one?

Look no further

In this blog, I’ll be sharing three major shortcuts to help you choose the best community-based service for you and your family. 

1. Drug and alcohol practitioners

There are excellent, trained drug and alcohol practitioners, who specifically help either you or your loved one. They support people who use drugs and alcohol into their recovery. 

Some services work specifically with families. For example, in your local authority, there are drug and alcohol services, which are free to access. They work in a holistic way, to help deal with all aspects of life. They will get the appropriate services involved to help your loved one achieve their recovery goals. This may be supporting them to stop, or reduce their substance use, or supporting you to cope. 

 

They offer a range of help including recovery groups.

You can contact these services yourself- just have a look on Google.

For you, there are some amazing family services. It depends on your locality.  Some are delivered through drug services. Some are separate. If in doubt, give your drug service a call and ask. 

I am a trained drug and alcohol practitioner. If you want to find quality, private practitioners (like me!) have a look here at FDAP.  We have to register and follow a specific code of conduct to deliver this work. This keeps you safe and ensures you are working with a skilled practitioner.

Always ask about ways of working, as there are LOTS of different models of support.
Testimonials are another good thing to ask for.

 

 2. Alternative Therapies & other support

Other support includes alternative therapies such as hypnotherapy and acupuncture. I would usually recommend these in addition to drug and alcohol treatment.

But… some people recover from substance use, solely with alternative methods of support like this. 

Those offering support are often in recovery themselves, some are not. Both people in recovery and trained professionals can be of equal value, depending on what type of support you want. People in recovery should also be trained in their particular area of work. 

There are well-known recovery methods such as NA & AA. This support is classed as mutual aid, so check them out and see if they are right for you. These groups are not necessarily run by trained and qualified practitioners. HOWEVER, they can be a fantastic support and have helped many into their recovery. AL-ANON is for family members affected by a loved ones drinking.   

SMART Recovery is another option for your loved ones recovery. The facilitators are trained. Some are professionals, some are not. I have known a lot of clients recover by using SMART Recovery methods. 

There are also coaches as an option. Again, check their credentials and experience.

Just because somebody has been through an experience themselves, does not mean they are skilled to help others. Trust me. This work is hard. There is a LOT of skill involved and professionals need to keep themselves and their clients safe. 

 There are many other support services available for families. Check out the ADFAM search to find something in your area.

I have a free, online group for women living with drug and alcohol use. Come and join me at Vesta Confidential.

3. Counselling

A good counsellor is worth their weight in gold, if you find somebody experienced in working with addictions.

One way you can find this out is ask or check them out on FDAP, because they have specific qualifications that counsellors can complete. This means they are trained and qualified to work with people who are affected by or who have experienced addiction or drug and alcohol related issues. You can also check BACP. 

Counsellors usually have no agenda or structure to their sessions. It is about you bringing what you need to sessions and working through that. This is different to the way I work. I often refer to counsellors or psychotherapists and other therapists after we have worked together to explore underlying thoughts and feelings. 

If someone has already been treated for their substance use and want to explore an underlying issue around why they have used, then find someone that works with that specific issue. This may not necessarily be addiction. Lots of people use drugs because of the trauma they have experienced. The substances mask that trauma. 

There are counsellors trained to support families too. Again, you can find them on FDAP.  

Professionals in every single type of support, can try and be all things to all people. So, always check credentials. Always check qualifications. Always check experience. 

BUT… you could also give those just qualified a chance! If everything is transparent and they act with integrity, you might find a diamond who is freshly trained and absolutely fantastic!

I haven’t mentioned medical practitioners here, but remember you can speak to your GP at any point. I would always recommend this for people who use drugs or alcohol. 

In summary…

The way I work is in a solution focused, but person-centred way. So, I help my clients get results within a certain time frame (you have to do the work!) but focus sessions around your needs, your feelings and your goals.
I will take you from being stressed, alone and not really knowing what to do…
To… knowledgeable, confident and with a whole load of effective strategies to cope with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use.

So that…
You can live a life you deserve, regardless of whether your loved one continues to use substances.

So, if you want to work with me, contact me for a free, 20 minute friendly consultation.

But hurry… because my one to one places are limited.

Hope to see you soon because I can help.

Victoria  

P.S- You can join my mailing list here and get tips to cope straight into your inbox!

Caring with someone with a drug or alcohol problem

Caring with someone with a drug or alcohol problem

by | Thursday, June 11, 2020 | Addiction, Carer, Family, Resilience

Have you ever struggled with your loved one’s drug or alcohol use and not known what to do next?

Do you feel stressed, worried or alone?

Do you feel like you’ve tried everything and don’t know where to go for help and support?

 

Firstly, I need to acknowledge that this is National Carer’s Week. Did you know that looking after someone with a drug and alcohol problem makes you a carer? Having caring responsibilities can impact on every aspect of a person’s life. Not knowing how someone is going to ‘be’ on a daily basis can be incredibly stressful. Most people do not ask for help and the cycle of stress continues.

 

My clients are usually professional women living with a loved one’s substance use. They experience a great deal of guilt, shame, secrecy and stress and I work with them to reduce that stress and live a better life.

 

In this blog, I’m going to share with you my three top tips for helping you care for yourself while you’re caring for someone else.

 

1. Look after YOU

 

If you don’t look after yourself, and meet your own needs, it will be really hard to maintain your other responsibilities. This will impact on emotional, mental and physical health.

 

Most of my clients are working women, many with children. If their partners are drunk by 6pm or the dealer is dropping off their next mid-week bag, this usually means additional work after actual work! Hangovers and come downs at the weekend are common, so even more pressure is added for carers to run the home and care for children.

 

Maintaining the responsibility for EVERYTHING, including your loved one and their substance use, while holding down a career or running a business is just too much. Just giving yourself one hour per week to do something that you enjoy will allow you to switch off from your current situation and recharge your batteries.

 

2. Communicate your feelings 

 

Try and speak to your loved one, about your situation, when they are sober. If they are drunk or intoxicated with drugs, the likelihood is, they will not listen to you at all. You will be wasting your energy, having conversations with somebody that is unlikely to remember the vast majority of it.

 

Positive communication is something I highly recommend.

 

If you communicate positively it reduces family/couples conflict. It gives you the opportunity to tell the other person how you feel. The idea is that you talk about your feelings, without being accusatory.

 

Many families do this the other way round. They voice their concerns when a loved one is intoxicated and hope everything will go back to normal, because they have a day (or a week) sober.

 

Save these discussion for when your loved one is sober. These are the times when I advise families to talk about the issues. These are the times their loved one will absorb those feelings, These are the times when change can be influenced.

 

3. Ask for help

 

Asking for help is so very hard. I know this as a recovering perfectionist. When we are proud human beings, fully in control and holding it together on the outside, asking for help can feel like a catastrophic fail. However, look at it in another way. Having ONE slightly uncomfortable conversation can relieve a whole load of stress for you and your loved one.

 

A great way of asking for help is to write out your support network and highlight any friends, family members, neighbours or co-workers that either know about your situation or who you would find helpful if they knew about it. There will always be some people to avoid with a bargepole with asks like this so don’t bother with them for ‘helping’ asks. We all have different people in our lives that bring different qualities, so bear that in mind when asking someone you’ve only known through your clubbing days for help with childcare. Save them for your next night out! We all need people we can simply have fun with.

 

The next step is to ring them and have a conversation about what you are going through and what you need. Avoid texts if you can. Your ask might be for practical or emotional support. I know it can feel like keeping your situation a secret is beneficial, but for who? Openness and transparency are approaches that help family members live a better life. It allows someone using substances to consider change. Secrets and lies do not.

 

If there are children involved, I would always recommend that you speak to them about the situation in an age-appropriate manner. They will know that something is going on. I have worked with children for 20 years and even though many cannot always name ‘addiction’, ‘alcohol’ or ‘drugs’, parental substance use does have an impact on them.

 

So…. in summary Help & Self Care = Recovery.

 

I can help

Did you enjoy my blog? Why not get more of my best tips to reduce your stress and live a better life by signing up to my mailing list AND…

 

Click here to Download my brilliant PDF with my top ten tips, a handy checklist and useful support services who can help you and your family.

 

Click here to message me for a free 30 minute, private and confidential consultation. 

 

Take Care,

Victoria

.


 

 

Four ways to help yourself with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use

Four ways to help yourself with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use

by | Saturday, September 29, 2018 | Addiction, Family

Are you stuck with trying to help your husband, wife or other family member with their drinking or drug use?  You are probably is a position where you feel you have tried everything and nothing works. They wont stop, they’re lying and you are stressed out with a combination of trying to help them and getting mad/upset with their behaviour. The model I use in my family work was written by Phil Harris. He wrote a guest blog for me last year about the history of the programme and how effective it is. Check it out here. This blog is about four ways you can help yourself with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use.

I want to explore some strategies you can use to help get your loved one not only to accept, but get into treatment for their drug or alcohol use. More importantly, this will reduce your own stress and pressure and improve your quality of life, whether your loved one changes or not!

Did you get that? The focus in my family work is for YOU to get your own help in your own right. I can’t tell you how many calls I get from family members to get their loved one’s into rehab or to work with them, even though they have no intention (currently) of changing! Family members need help too. They are so used to neglecting themselves that they don’t even think about their own needs.

 

The starting point

 

The first thing I always advise is to accept the drug and alcohol use into your life. Stop fighting against it. It just takes away all your energy. I’m not saying you need to accept it forever, or forgive alcohol or drugs, but accept it enough so that you can work with it. This is hard but a necessary step.

Once you’ve done that, if you can put these four strategies into place, and stick to it, you will see a change and tip the balance so that the negative consequences of their substance use outweighs the positives. In other words, by changing the environment your loved one is living in, you will help to make drugs less attractive to them. They will also see the benefits of being sober. Sound easy? It’s not, It’s hard. It is a long process and you will need to be consistent.

 

4 strategies

 

The 4 key strategies for family members affected by a loved one’s drug or alcohol use are:

 

  1. Withdraw from a loved one when intoxicated-ignore ignore ignore when under the influence. Don’t get into it. Get away. Go to bed. Go out. Anything you can but do not take on board what a loved one is saying. EVER! Only listen when they are sober. Send a clear message that you will not offer your company when they are using their substance of choice. They will only get you when they are sober. This will also reduce your stress and anxiety and store your energy for yourself.
  2. Reward when sober- This doesn’t have to be outings, anything from telling a loved you like spending time with them when they are sober, to doing something you like together (a sober activity!) or making their favourite dinner. This is telling them that when they are sober, they get your company and a reminder of how good life is without their substance.
  3. Disable enabling- avoid doing anything that makes your loved one’s drug or alcohol use easier. It’s useful to make a list of how you might make it easier for them. Helping must not involve anything they can do themselves or that rescues them from the consequences of their drug or alcohol use. Examples of this are clearing up their mess, calling in sick to work, giving them money, making excuses for family and so on!
  4. Use positive communication techniques, even when you want to scream! Again, the best way to do this is to walk away when you are filled with emotion, particularly if your loved one is under the influence. Walk away and don’t address anything with them until they are sober (or as sober as they ever get). It can be so tempting to forget everything when a loved one is sober and you are getting on great, just to keep the peace, however, these are the times you need to bring how you feel up. The best way to do this is by using I-Messages. Instead of saying you this, you that. Try this;

I feel…when…because…

I would like it if…

 

Give these strategies a go. It’s not easy to do this on your own but you can join my Facebook Group, Vesta Confidential, for support from others in your situation and for information and advice from me.

 

Take care,

 

Victoria

How do I know if someone is an addict?- Part two- The diagnosis of substance use

How do I know if someone is an addict?- Part two- The diagnosis of substance use

by | Sunday, July 15, 2018 | Addiction, Family

Hopefully you read part one of my blog last week How do I know if someone is an addict?- Part one- The stages of substance use

This week, I’ll focus on the diagnosis of substance use. To put it simply, I think if someone has a problem with substance use, then they need help. In our culture, we seem to always want some sort of diagnosis.

 

How we diagnose

 

The ICD-10 International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (mental and behavioural disorders) is what medical professional use to diagnose health problems. It is led by the World Health Association and is the main reference guide in the UK.

Interestingly, the ICD-10 does not even refer to ‘addiction’ as a disorder and hasn’t done since 1964.

Instead, it refers to:

Harmful use– A pattern of psychoactive substance use that is causing damage to health. The damage may be physical (as in cases of hepatitis from the self-administration of injected drugs) or mental (e.g. episodes of depressive disorder secondary to heavy consumption of alcohol).

 

The diagnosis requires that actual damage should have been caused to the mental or physical health of the user and not just the social impact on themselves or their family members.

 

OR

 

Dependence syndrome– A cluster of physiological, behavioural, and cognitive phenomena in which the use of a substance or a class of substances takes on a much higher priority for a given individual than other behaviours that once had greater value.

The explanation given is that people have an overwhelming desire to take their particular drug(s) of choice or alcohol and if they do give up temporarily, they are more likely to return to old behaviours quickly, as opposed to someone who does not have a problems with substances but uses them.

 

Criteria

 

ICD10 states, ‘A definite diagnosis of dependence should usually be made only if three or more of the following have been present together at some time during the previous year:

(a) a strong desire or sense of compulsion to take the substance;

(b) difficulties in controlling substance-taking behaviour in terms of its onset, termination, or levels of use;

(c) a physiological withdrawal state (see F1x.3 and F1x.4) when substance use has ceased or been reduced, as evidenced by: the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for the substance; or use of the same (or a closely related) substance with the intention of relieving or avoiding withdrawal symptoms;

(d) evidence of tolerance, such that increased doses of the psychoactive substances are required in order to achieve effects originally produced by lower doses (clear examples of this are found in alcohol- and opiate-dependent individuals who may take daily doses sufficient to incapacitate or kill nontolerant users);

(e) progressive neglect of alternative pleasures or interests because of psychoactive substance use, increased amount of time necessary to obtain or take the substance or to recover from its effects;

(f) persisting with substance use despite clear evidence of overtly harmful consequences, such as harm to the liver through excessive drinking, depressive mood states consequent to periods of heavy substance use, or drug-related impairment of cognitive functioning; efforts should be made to determine that the user was actually, or could be expected to be, aware of the nature and extent of the harm

 

Screening tools

 

Here are some handy screening tools which can be self-scored. If you can get your loved one to complete it, great! If not, you may know enough about their substance using patterns to be able to give it a go yourself.

AUDIT

The Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test (AUDIT) is considered the most accurate alcohol screening tool for identifying potential alcohol misuse, including dependence. Here is a self-screening that you could explore with your loved one or have a look yourself on their behalf.

 

DUDIT

The Drug Use Disorder Identification Test is here in PDF form to use if you suspect your loved one is using drugs.

 

A note about language

 

I always refer to ‘people who have problems with substance use’ or something similar. I don’t like labels, but what individuals choose to refer to themselves as is their choice. As long as we are not labelling each other, then I think that’s fair enough. There is lots of choice around the help people get for their drug and alcohol use which means that people tend to label themselves depending on the model they use to get help. This doesn’t mean we should be doing it on behalf of individuals or making assumptions.

 

In summary then, although most of us are not medical professionals and therefore technically shouldn’t diagnose others, we can get a fair idea from the above to figure out whether we are on the right track with our loved one’s substance use.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.