family recovery Archives - The Vesta Approach

Start Your Pathway to Family Recovery

by Victoria Seed | Tuesday, January 4, 2022 | Family

If you’re wondering what contributes to family recovery from alcohol or other drug use…

This is the Vesta Approach Family Recovery Pathway.

How I work with all my clients, sometimes in different programmes an parts of service.

Through many years of specialising in familial substance use, I know that these aspects will create a sustained change and a better life for those I support.

It doesn’t always take a few months. It’s about clarity, consistency and having the confidence to IMPLEMENT the strategies and changes that we explore in sessions.

The outcomes I have seen are fantastic for my clients and I wanted to share just how you can have a look at this yourself.

I’ll break this down for you…

YOU are the most important person in family recovery. The focus of recovery needs to be on the person getting the help, not on the person using the substance. Yes, it’s important to reflect on how your loved one’s alcohol/drug use has affected you, but you can’t control that can you? So we want to focus on what you can control and what you can change, which is you, your choices, our boundaries, how you choose to communicate.. Is this easy? Nope. With help and support, we can take you on this journey.

For now, think about how your loved one’s substance use has affected you and any changes that you can make to start putting yourself first.

FAMILY is where we focus on the impact on the family, including children and start looking to create some changes, because this is something that family members CAN do. It is so easy to allow your loved one’s addiction to take over everything. But you can make a decision. Are you going to try and live your life, regardless of the choices your loved one makes? Are you going to put your own needs first or those of your children? Are there any ways you can continue with family life even if your loved one is intoxicated?

Journal on this and write down your thoughts.

KNOWLEDGE involves sharing/ learning the facts around substance use, about the support that is out there, about research and key information about specific substances. It’s really important to have a look at reliable sources for information. For example, if you want to know about a particular drug, have a look at Drugscience. If you want to find out about family support in your area, have a look at ADFAM or contact your local recovery service and ask them what they provide.

Go and check these sources out and make notes if you find that helpful.

SKILLS are what I teach, in terms of the strategies that can INFLUENCE a change in a loved one’s alcohol or drug using behaviour. I work with my clients by teaching strategies to cope.

You can grab my top ten tips here.

But here is the lowdown…

Understand recovery
Set healthy boundaries
Reward your loved one when they are sober
Communicate without kick-offs
Help without enabling
Withdraw when your loved one is intoxicated!

HEALTH is where we focus on those basic needs that most people are unable to do, even though we all know about it. This includes mental, physical and spiritual health. This is important so family members have the groundwork to build their resilience.

If you create 3 columns on a piece of paper, with the following headers, write down anything that you can do to improve your own health. Pick one and work on it this week.

PURPOSE is where we work on roles and purpose in life. This can easily get forgotten with the stress of helping a family member/friend or partner living with a loved one’s addiction.

Think about any roles you have at home or at work (parent/partner/child/manager). Are you fulfilling your own purpose in these roles? Is there anything that needs to change?

I hope that helps.

Reach out to me if you need help on your family recovery journey.

Call/WhatsApp/Text on mobile: 07984 837302

Email: victoria@vestaapproach.co.uk

I can help.

Take Care,

Victoria

Support for family members affected by drugs and alcohol in their own right

by Victoria Seed | Friday, February 15, 2019 | Addiction, Alcohol, Emotions, Family, Resilience, Uncategorized

I’ve attended training in January to learn the 5-Step Method of supporting families coping with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use.

It is the first time I have come across a model of support that helps family members in their own right. Usually, the person having problems with substance use accesses a service then families are offered help as a result of this.

Family support groups

The type and quality of the help varies from country to city to town. There is no consistency in this. For example, a family in Ireland will be able to access family support groups which are led by family members who have been supported, trained and developed by the National Family Support Network. They have set up quality assurance so that families can access a quality service whether It’s led by volunteers or led by professionals.

In Manchester, there are a few family-led support groups that I’ve heard of, but I feel ignorant that I haven’t linked up with them more, so the families I help can get further support from people that are in the same, but unique, situation as themselves. This is called peer-led support and allows people at the very least to realise they are not alone in coping with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use.

Local carers centres also provide advice and support for families caring for people with drug and alcohol problems.

Local drug and alcohol services offer

Drug and alcohol services are getting better at offering family support services. In Bury, they offer the CRAFT programme (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) and in Salford, they offer 5-Step Method, but again, this usually depends on the person using substances accessing the service then families being supported following this.

There are whole family support services commissioned in some areas like Early Break’s award winning Holding Families which provides a 6-month programme for children and families affected by parental substance use.

Why families should stop focussing on the person using drugs/acohol

Family members always focus on the needs of their drug or alcohol using relative before themselves. I saw an advert recently on Facebook for a rehab and family members were asking, ‘how much is this?’ and ‘how long do they stay for?’. There was nothing about, ‘what support do you provide for families?’. When a family member made a comment, the rehab posted a link to Famanon which made it pretty clear that they didn’t support families and they were solely focused on the person using substances spending money to go to rehab.

People tend to think that rehab will solve everyone’s problems, but they cost anything from 5-50k. It is possible to get to rehab through the drug and alcohol service but it doesn’t happen overnight because of the cost to services. The person using substances has to show a commitment and often a reduction in their drug or alcohol use before they will be given funding to go to detox or rehab. Drug and Alcohol services often run a pre-detox group and who can blame them with so many funding cuts to services.

Why rehabs are not always the answer

Rehabs are great, but, Most people relapse in the first 90 days following a period in rehab. Why? Because they don’t have the skills to face the reality of being back at home in the same situation, with the same triggers and the same life that they were tucked away from in rehab. It is then that people need support and guidance when they are back in reality. I know a family who paid 30k to send a relative to a luxury rehab, she was drinking again within three weeks. No aftercare was provided unless they travelled 200 miles back to the residential rehab their relative had left. Family support was non-existent – a lesson here is that it doesn’t matter what you pay, it’s the aftercare that counts. Lots of services recommend 12-steps for families but this involves going to groups which works for some but not for others. I recommend to give everything a go twice and find something that works for each individual.

The point I’m trying to make is there are lots of services for problematic drug and alcohol users, but there are also many for families too. The more support families get, the more they can focus on themselves, regardless of whether their relative continues to drink or take drugs or not.

Focus on the family

There are some brilliant programmes out there for family members which I have mentioned above. CRAFT focuses on reducing stress and getting a loved one into treatment. The model I use with families is similar to this, so family members are supported at the same time as figuring out the detail of their loved one’s substance use in order to understand it and influence their loved one’s behaviour (note that I’ve said influence as you cannot change anyone else’s behaviour, it is their choice). Mainly, it builds resilience and coping strategies with family members so they can live a better life.

5-Step Method

I’ve now been trained in 5 step method (this has nothing to do with 12 steps!) which is a fantastic way of supporting family members in their own right. It doesn’t matter whether they have regular contact with the person using drugs or alcohol, whether they are in treatment themselves and it doesn’t even focus on their loved one at all. This is all about families. What they need, what they want to know and discussing whatever is important to them.

This is a unique and evidence-based model which has been tested out to work all over the world.

I deliver this over 6 sessions with an introductory session included:

1. Introduction, assessment and goal setting

2. Getting to know you and the problem

3. Providing you with relevant information

4. Exploring how you respond and cope

5. Exploring and enhancing social support

6. Identifying further needs and referring on for further help

It is a wonderful programme of support! Find out more on my website here as I’m offering this at my training rate and can deliver online so you can get the help in the comfort of your own home. You just need a set of headphones and a phone/laptop. I also offer my services in the Manchester area (UK).

Get in touch for a friendly chat about your situation and to find out more about my services.

Take care,

Victoria.

Four ways to help yourself with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use

by Victoria Seed | Saturday, September 29, 2018 | Addiction, Family

Are you stuck with trying to help your husband, wife or other family member with their drinking or drug use? You are probably is a position where you feel you have tried everything and nothing works. They wont stop, they’re lying and you are stressed out with a combination of trying to help them and getting mad/upset with their behaviour. The model I use in my family work was written by Phil Harris. He wrote a guest blog for me last year about the history of the programme and how effective it is. Check it out here. This blog is about four ways you can help yourself with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use.

I want to explore some strategies you can use to help get your loved one not only to accept, but get into treatment for their drug or alcohol use. More importantly, this will reduce your own stress and pressure and improve your quality of life, whether your loved one changes or not!

Did you get that? The focus in my family work is for YOU to get your own help in your own right. I can’t tell you how many calls I get from family members to get their loved one’s into rehab or to work with them, even though they have no intention (currently) of changing! Family members need help too. They are so used to neglecting themselves that they don’t even think about their own needs.

The starting point

The first thing I always advise is to accept the drug and alcohol use into your life. Stop fighting against it. It just takes away all your energy. I’m not saying you need to accept it forever, or forgive alcohol or drugs, but accept it enough so that you can work with it. This is hard but a necessary step.

Once you’ve done that, if you can put these four strategies into place, and stick to it, you will see a change and tip the balance so that the negative consequences of their substance use outweighs the positives. In other words, by changing the environment your loved one is living in, you will help to make drugs less attractive to them. They will also see the benefits of being sober. Sound easy? It’s not, It’s hard. It is a long process and you will need to be consistent.

4 strategies

The 4 key strategies for family members affected by a loved one’s drug or alcohol use are:

Withdraw from a loved one when intoxicated-ignore ignore ignore when under the influence. Don’t get into it. Get away. Go to bed. Go out. Anything you can but do not take on board what a loved one is saying. EVER! Only listen when they are sober. Send a clear message that you will not offer your company when they are using their substance of choice. They will only get you when they are sober. This will also reduce your stress and anxiety and store your energy for yourself.
Reward when sober- This doesn’t have to be outings, anything from telling a loved you like spending time with them when they are sober, to doing something you like together (a sober activity!) or making their favourite dinner. This is telling them that when they are sober, they get your company and a reminder of how good life is without their substance.
Disable enabling- avoid doing anything that makes your loved one’s drug or alcohol use easier. It’s useful to make a list of how you might make it easier for them. Helping must not involve anything they can do themselves or that rescues them from the consequences of their drug or alcohol use. Examples of this are clearing up their mess, calling in sick to work, giving them money, making excuses for family and so on!
Use positive communication techniques, even when you want to scream! Again, the best way to do this is to walk away when you are filled with emotion, particularly if your loved one is under the influence. Walk away and don’t address anything with them until they are sober (or as sober as they ever get). It can be so tempting to forget everything when a loved one is sober and you are getting on great, just to keep the peace, however, these are the times you need to bring how you feel up. The best way to do this is by using I-Messages. Instead of saying you this, you that. Try this;

I feel…when…because…

I would like it if…

Give these strategies a go. It’s not easy to do this on your own but you can join my Facebook Group, Vesta Confidential, for support from others in your situation and for information and advice from me.

Take care,

Victoria