How to prioritise your children’s needs over your loved one’s addiction

How to prioritise your children’s needs over your loved one’s addiction

by | Saturday, February 5, 2022 | Addiction, Alcohol, Children, Family, Help

In this blog, I want to explore WHY this topic is important and HOW you can prioritise your children’s needs over your loved one’s addiction.

 

 

This is such a delicate issue, but my approach is always with love and support, yet pretty direct, because I’ve worked with children and families for so long and I’m a safeguarding professional as well. I have seen all sides of the impact of parental or carer impact on children and families.

 

 

There’s no denying that this might be tough to read, so please take care and look after yourself. Please reach out for help and support.

 

 

Let’s start with three reasons WHY the needs of a child need to be prioritised….

 

 

  1. Section One of the Children’s Act states that a child’s needs are paramount. This applies to law and any safeguarding situation. In reality, we need to think about the child, what they are seeing, hearing and feeling and ensure they have a voice and, more importantly, that we are a voice for them. No matter who we are and what role we play in society. Aa a coach/professional, as a friend, neighbour, family member or colleague. I understand this can be hard to action, let alone accept, but the question we need to be asking ourselves here is, ‘If I don’t do something to help this/my child, what could the outcome be?’
  2. Because parental/carers substance use is, what we refer to now, an ‘Adverse Child Experience’ . There has been an incredible amount of research on this topic and children are affected by parental substance use emotionally and physically. There has even been research around the impact of non-dependent drinking on children! This can affect on them right through to their adulthood and for the rest of their lives. It can and does affected their mental and physical health. Parental/family substance use is classed as a traumatic experience for a child. It’s so easy to focus on the presenting adult issues, that children can get forgotten, or families think they are doing well at protecting them from it. If you ask yourself this question, ‘What are the children seeing, hearing and feeling?’ even as babies, then you may want to reach out for support.
  3. Families try and resolve the issue themselves. Having worked with families affected by alcohol and drug use for (nearly!) twenty years, I know that families tend to close rank with this issue due to stigma and shame, feeling isolated and alone and thinking they can sort things out themselves. In my experience, this causes ongoing and unnecessary harm to everyone within the family unit. The best thing to do is get EVERYONE in the family the help they need, This includes the person using substances AND affected family members, including children. The earlier support is accessed, the better for everyone, especially the child. It’s easy to think that children don’t know what’s going on. But they do. They see the difference in their parent/carer or family member. They absorb the feelings and atmosphere in the house. The question to ask here is, ‘Which people/services/support can we access to help us with this issue?’ (even if the person using substances doesn’t want help, you can get your own!)

 

Let’s summarise the HOW we can prioritise a child’s needs over a loved one’s addiction…

 

 

  1. Ask them how they feel. Yes. It is that simple. Ask children what they like at home and if there is anything they don’t like. This can be done in an age-appropriate way, of course. Some children will freely talk about their emotions, some need some help. For younger and older children, we can take a moment to put ourselves in their shoes. Think about how the substance use and associated problems may be affecting them.
  2. Be honest about the situation. Telling lies, covering things up and hiding what’s really going on can make things so much worse for children. This means their feelings never get validated and it can cause confusion, loneliness and sadness.
  3. Spend quality time with the children, outside the home if possible, regardless of the choices your loved one makes. This can be as easy as you make it. It often means you need help and support first, so you have the courage and confidence to implement this. But… plan things in with your children and stick to them. If your loved one gets intoxicated, get out of the habit of cancelling plans. Carry on without them. Your life should not revolve around how intoxicated your loved one is. You can choose to continue with your day. This type of courage reduces the impact of substance use on children and allows you all to live your lives.
  4. Set clear and healthy boundaries with your loved one. Yes, it can be so hard when you want to maintain a relationship with someone who has problems with alcohol or drugs, but you do have a choice as to what goes on around children. Sometimes, this might mean children not having contact with a parent, carer or family member for a while. Sometimes, it’s about being very clear with a loved one about not being intoxicated or drinking/taking drugs when children are present. This is not easy, but it is necessary for preventing the impact on children. Families can get help with this from Children’s Services who can take the pressure off the rest of the family by supporting the implementation of those boundaries with your loved one and by encouraging a loved one to make changes.
  5. Get professional help for children. This means letting someone know at school or nursery or letting a health visitor or midwife know what’s going on, so that someone OUTSIDE the family is able to check in with the child and the child has a safe space to share how they feel. Why? Because they may not want to speak to you about it. People worry so much about letting professionals know because it feels so big! But professionals help families with this issue all the time. The LAST thing anyone wants to do is to split up a family. The goal is to put as much support in place as possible for all involved. Of course, you can get private help too, but I still recommend the above anyway.
  6. Get professional help for you! That’s where I come in. I can help you with all of the above. I’ve worked with children and families for two decades. I’m also an Advanced Practitioner with Addiction Professionals. I help my clients to set boundaries, to communicate without conflict, to reduce and stop enabling behaviours and to motivate a loved one to change, while prioritising a safe environment for children. Of course, there are lots of other support services. Please always check out ADFAM for family members and NACOA for children. There are so many resources on these sites.

 

You can also download your free download here- Ten Ways to Family Recovery with my top ten tips for family recovery including a handy checklist and some REALLY useful organisations.

 

 

Please remember that you are not alone.

 

 

  • 1 in 5 children are currently living with an adult who drinks too much (ADFAM)
  • 1 in 10 adults are negatively affected by a loved one’s alcohol or drug use (NACOA)

 

Take that first step.

 

 

There are lots of us out here who can help you.

 

 

Take Care,

 

 

Victoria.

 

P.S. I’d love to know what you think of this blog. Please drop your comments and questions below…

 

 

Get in touch here 

Tel: 07984 837302

Email: victoria@vestaapproach.co.uk

 

How to help children living with parental substance use

How to help children living with parental substance use

by | Friday, February 12, 2021 | Addiction, Alcohol, Children, drugs, Family

How to help children living with parental substance use

 

Have you ever thought about the impact of parental substance use on children?

It’s something that many overlook when we think about addiction.

Here’s the thing, NACOA (The National Association for the Children of Alcoholics) say that 1 in 5 children are affected by parental alcohol use. The writing of this blog is timely, as it’s NACOA’s Children of Alcoholics Week starting this Sunday.

Hidden Harm (2003) estimated that between 2-3% of children lived with parents with a serious drug problem. For this research, the focus was on serious or dependent drug use only. Keep in mind that this research is nearly 20 years old. We need to consider that most people don’t even enter treatment!

Many people don’t consider themselves to have a problem when drinking a bottle or two of wine very night or snorting a few grams of cocaine on a weekend either.

BUT.. we do need to consider the children in this. In all types of substance misuse.

What are they seeing, hearing and feeling?

What version of their parent/carer are they getting today?

 

The impact on children

NACOA say…

A research study with 4,000 respondents estimates there are 3 million children in the UK living with parental alcohol problems. They are:

  • Six times as likely to witness domestic violence
  • Five times as likely to develop an eating problem
  • Three times as likely to consider suicide
  • Twice as likely to experience difficulties at school
  • Twice as likely to develop alcoholism or addiction
  • Twice as likely to be in trouble with the police

So, we know that there can be an impact on children through to their adulthood (check out the Adverse Childhood Experiences – ACES- studies to find out more)

 

What have I seen and how can we help?

 

I started working in the substance misuse field in 2005, helping individuals, children and families to recover. Some of the themes I’ve seen are as follows…

 

Secrets and lies

 

Families tend to close rank when someone has a problem. This is usually because they don’t know what to do and because of the stigma and shame of the problem. Sometimes, it’s because they have drank or used drugs with the family member and they feel responsible.

What this leads to is nobody in the family getting the help they need! Children know something is wrong, but nobody is explaining what?

Speak to children about what is going on in an age-appropriate manner. Even if your loved one doesn’t want to change, I recommend you speak to your children and explain that your loved one has a problem and you are helping them.

Get them someone to help outside the family home, ideally a professional. School is ideal so that they can check in with them. There may be specialist services in your area who can help.

 

Families waiting for the person using substances to change without getting help

 

This doesn’t usually work and is mostly down to addiction and  recovery not being understood. Families live their lives based on the mood of their loved one’s substance use and waiting for them to change. This leaves children in the middle, possible for longer than they need to be.

Even if your loved one doesn’t want to change, you can get your own help and can support you and your family to recover. Helping ONE person within a family can have a huge impact on everyone else. In most cases, my clients see a change in their loved one and many cut down or stop their substance or get the help they need.

 

 

Family Conflict

 

Children may experience parental conflict. I have worked with families where their children are used as pawns in arguments by parents. This obviously isn’t a healthy place for a child to be.

Children may react to the situation they are in and then professionals and families can then focus on the children’s behavior, rather than considering their behaviour being a reaction to what is going on around them. This can push children into an even more difficult place and feel responsible for the situation or confused.

People may read this and think this doesn’t apply to them.

I think it’s important to think about this…
What experience are children getting from the person/people using substances when they are sober, when they are intoxicated and when they are coming down/hungover?

Even if children can’t name it. They notice these differences.

One way of avoiding conflict is to walk away from your loved one when they are intoxicated.

When they are sober, speak to them about your feelings and not their behaviour.

Think about the boundaries of what you want your life and your children’s lives to look like. Remember that you can’t put boundaries around someone else! You telling your loved one to stop drinking or using probably hasn’t worked that well so far.

 

Seeing or hearing a parent being intoxicated or being drawn into substance using behaviours

 

Parental Substance use is one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences that have been identified as having an impact on children’s health outcomes moving into adulthood.

Children may experience other adults being intoxicated.

Dealers may be dropping substances off at the family home or children may to taken to dealers houses.

Children may have their own strong feelings about seeing a parent’s substance use such as fear, embarrassment, shame, worry, normalisation of their situation.

Protecting the children from harm is absolutely crucial in terms of safeguarding.
We need to be working towards children being shielded from this type of behaviour and, if possible, not being around the substance use.
An example of this is having an agreement that if a loved one is drinking, they do this away from the family home or in a separate room.
Perhaps you could agree that your loved one can meet their dealers away from the family home, if they are choosing to continue to use their substance.

The children can be shielded BUT remember they need to talk about what’s going on too.

 

 

The instability of a parent moving around the cycle of change

 

People in recovery can move around the Cycle of Change from pre-contemplation to change, however, children and families may not move at the same pace. They have often experienced and remember a great deal of stress and strain which, sadly, are not often taken into consideration in our current recovery treatment models.

While an individual is delighted to be doing well in their recovery, the children and family may not feel the same. I’ve seen parents in recovery suddenly setting boundaries and completely changing their parenting approach, which is a real shock for children and does not actually help to build up he trust and love that they need.

When a parent stops using a substance, it’s just the beginning for the family. Children may be anxious and worry that things will go back to the way they were. It takes time to build a sense of trust and rebuild the relationships. I wish this was taught more in drug and alcohol treatment services.

Keep speaking to the children about how they feel and what their wishes are.

The non-using parent/carer please speak to the children and get your own help.

To the person using substances, please consider the needs of your children in recovery. You are often taught to put yourself first and prioritise recovery over everything, but you also have children and a family waiting for you who love you.

 

 

Next steps

 

I help family members living with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use and I can help you too.

Get my free download Ten Ways to Family Recovery here with a handy checklist and free services who can help, including NACOA.

If you are a women living with a loved one’s addiction, join my Facebook support group The Family Recovery Club. 

If you want to know more about my programmes, click here.

Take Care,

Victoria

Counselling is not the only option- 3 ways to get help with drug and alcohol use

Counselling is not the only option- 3 ways to get help with drug and alcohol use

by | Friday, July 10, 2020 | Addiction, Alcohol, drugs, Family, Help, Therapy

Ever feel confused about the support available for you and your loved one?

Look no further

In this blog, I’ll be sharing three major shortcuts to help you choose the best community-based service for you and your family. 

1. Drug and alcohol practitioners

There are excellent, trained drug and alcohol practitioners, who specifically help either you or your loved one. They support people who use drugs and alcohol into their recovery. 

Some services work specifically with families. For example, in your local authority, there are drug and alcohol services, which are free to access. They work in a holistic way, to help deal with all aspects of life. They will get the appropriate services involved to help your loved one achieve their recovery goals. This may be supporting them to stop, or reduce their substance use, or supporting you to cope. 

 

They offer a range of help including recovery groups.

You can contact these services yourself- just have a look on Google.

For you, there are some amazing family services. It depends on your locality.  Some are delivered through drug services. Some are separate. If in doubt, give your drug service a call and ask. 

I am a trained drug and alcohol practitioner. If you want to find quality, private practitioners (like me!) have a look here at FDAP.  We have to register and follow a specific code of conduct to deliver this work. This keeps you safe and ensures you are working with a skilled practitioner.

Always ask about ways of working, as there are LOTS of different models of support.
Testimonials are another good thing to ask for.

 

 2. Alternative Therapies & other support

Other support includes alternative therapies such as hypnotherapy and acupuncture. I would usually recommend these in addition to drug and alcohol treatment.

But… some people recover from substance use, solely with alternative methods of support like this. 

Those offering support are often in recovery themselves, some are not. Both people in recovery and trained professionals can be of equal value, depending on what type of support you want. People in recovery should also be trained in their particular area of work. 

There are well-known recovery methods such as NA & AA. This support is classed as mutual aid, so check them out and see if they are right for you. These groups are not necessarily run by trained and qualified practitioners. HOWEVER, they can be a fantastic support and have helped many into their recovery. AL-ANON is for family members affected by a loved ones drinking.   

SMART Recovery is another option for your loved ones recovery. The facilitators are trained. Some are professionals, some are not. I have known a lot of clients recover by using SMART Recovery methods. 

There are also coaches as an option. Again, check their credentials and experience.

Just because somebody has been through an experience themselves, does not mean they are skilled to help others. Trust me. This work is hard. There is a LOT of skill involved and professionals need to keep themselves and their clients safe. 

 There are many other support services available for families. Check out the ADFAM search to find something in your area.

I have a free, online group for women living with drug and alcohol use. Come and join me at Vesta Confidential.

3. Counselling

A good counsellor is worth their weight in gold, if you find somebody experienced in working with addictions.

One way you can find this out is ask or check them out on FDAP, because they have specific qualifications that counsellors can complete. This means they are trained and qualified to work with people who are affected by or who have experienced addiction or drug and alcohol related issues. You can also check BACP. 

Counsellors usually have no agenda or structure to their sessions. It is about you bringing what you need to sessions and working through that. This is different to the way I work. I often refer to counsellors or psychotherapists and other therapists after we have worked together to explore underlying thoughts and feelings. 

If someone has already been treated for their substance use and want to explore an underlying issue around why they have used, then find someone that works with that specific issue. This may not necessarily be addiction. Lots of people use drugs because of the trauma they have experienced. The substances mask that trauma. 

There are counsellors trained to support families too. Again, you can find them on FDAP.  

Professionals in every single type of support, can try and be all things to all people. So, always check credentials. Always check qualifications. Always check experience. 

BUT… you could also give those just qualified a chance! If everything is transparent and they act with integrity, you might find a diamond who is freshly trained and absolutely fantastic!

I haven’t mentioned medical practitioners here, but remember you can speak to your GP at any point. I would always recommend this for people who use drugs or alcohol. 

In summary…

The way I work is in a solution focused, but person-centred way. So, I help my clients get results within a certain time frame (you have to do the work!) but focus sessions around your needs, your feelings and your goals.
I will take you from being stressed, alone and not really knowing what to do…
To… knowledgeable, confident and with a whole load of effective strategies to cope with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use.

So that…
You can live a life you deserve, regardless of whether your loved one continues to use substances.

So, if you want to work with me, contact me for a free, 20 minute friendly consultation.

But hurry… because my one to one places are limited.

Hope to see you soon because I can help.

Victoria  

P.S- You can join my mailing list here and get tips to cope straight into your inbox!

Caring with someone with a drug or alcohol problem

Caring with someone with a drug or alcohol problem

by | Thursday, June 11, 2020 | Addiction, Carer, Family, Resilience

Have you ever struggled with your loved one’s drug or alcohol use and not known what to do next?

Do you feel stressed, worried or alone?

Do you feel like you’ve tried everything and don’t know where to go for help and support?

 

Firstly, I need to acknowledge that this is National Carer’s Week. Did you know that looking after someone with a drug and alcohol problem makes you a carer? Having caring responsibilities can impact on every aspect of a person’s life. Not knowing how someone is going to ‘be’ on a daily basis can be incredibly stressful. Most people do not ask for help and the cycle of stress continues.

 

My clients are usually professional women living with a loved one’s substance use. They experience a great deal of guilt, shame, secrecy and stress and I work with them to reduce that stress and live a better life.

 

In this blog, I’m going to share with you my three top tips for helping you care for yourself while you’re caring for someone else.

 

1. Look after YOU

 

If you don’t look after yourself, and meet your own needs, it will be really hard to maintain your other responsibilities. This will impact on emotional, mental and physical health.

 

Most of my clients are working women, many with children. If their partners are drunk by 6pm or the dealer is dropping off their next mid-week bag, this usually means additional work after actual work! Hangovers and come downs at the weekend are common, so even more pressure is added for carers to run the home and care for children.

 

Maintaining the responsibility for EVERYTHING, including your loved one and their substance use, while holding down a career or running a business is just too much. Just giving yourself one hour per week to do something that you enjoy will allow you to switch off from your current situation and recharge your batteries.

 

2. Communicate your feelings 

 

Try and speak to your loved one, about your situation, when they are sober. If they are drunk or intoxicated with drugs, the likelihood is, they will not listen to you at all. You will be wasting your energy, having conversations with somebody that is unlikely to remember the vast majority of it.

 

Positive communication is something I highly recommend.

 

If you communicate positively it reduces family/couples conflict. It gives you the opportunity to tell the other person how you feel. The idea is that you talk about your feelings, without being accusatory.

 

Many families do this the other way round. They voice their concerns when a loved one is intoxicated and hope everything will go back to normal, because they have a day (or a week) sober.

 

Save these discussion for when your loved one is sober. These are the times when I advise families to talk about the issues. These are the times their loved one will absorb those feelings, These are the times when change can be influenced.

 

3. Ask for help

 

Asking for help is so very hard. I know this as a recovering perfectionist. When we are proud human beings, fully in control and holding it together on the outside, asking for help can feel like a catastrophic fail. However, look at it in another way. Having ONE slightly uncomfortable conversation can relieve a whole load of stress for you and your loved one.

 

A great way of asking for help is to write out your support network and highlight any friends, family members, neighbours or co-workers that either know about your situation or who you would find helpful if they knew about it. There will always be some people to avoid with a bargepole with asks like this so don’t bother with them for ‘helping’ asks. We all have different people in our lives that bring different qualities, so bear that in mind when asking someone you’ve only known through your clubbing days for help with childcare. Save them for your next night out! We all need people we can simply have fun with.

 

The next step is to ring them and have a conversation about what you are going through and what you need. Avoid texts if you can. Your ask might be for practical or emotional support. I know it can feel like keeping your situation a secret is beneficial, but for who? Openness and transparency are approaches that help family members live a better life. It allows someone using substances to consider change. Secrets and lies do not.

 

If there are children involved, I would always recommend that you speak to them about the situation in an age-appropriate manner. They will know that something is going on. I have worked with children for 20 years and even though many cannot always name ‘addiction’, ‘alcohol’ or ‘drugs’, parental substance use does have an impact on them.

 

So…. in summary Help & Self Care = Recovery.

 

I can help

Did you enjoy my blog? Why not get more of my best tips to reduce your stress and live a better life by signing up to my mailing list AND…

 

Click here to Download my brilliant PDF with my top ten tips, a handy checklist and useful support services who can help you and your family.

 

Click here to message me for a free 30 minute, private and confidential consultation. 

 

Take Care,

Victoria

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What children need when they are living with parental substance use

What children need when they are living with parental substance use

by | Monday, February 10, 2020 | Addiction, Children, Family

What children need when they are living with parental substance use

My specialism is working with individuals, children and families affected by drug and alcohol use. I have been in this field since 2005 and have directly supported, designed and delivered services to help families to recover from substance use. I thought I would share my thoughts on what children need from grown ups when they are living in this situation.

  1. At least one trusted adult outside the family home that they can speak to – it can be so easy for families to think that closing ranks and keeping problems within the family is the safest way to deal with things. How many times have you spoken to people outside your family about familial issues? Ask yourself, Why? Because our family members are either part of the issues or they are simply too connected. Children need someone to know about the situation at home. School as an absolute minimum. Just so they have somewhere to go where they can talk about how they feel.
  2. For families not to diagnose the level of a problem with drugs or alcohol themselves – Here’s my advice- most families are not equipped to make a judgement on what is safe and what is not. Please don;t dwell on how much of a problem someone has. Whether or not they are an ‘addict’ does not matter. It may have crossed your mind as a grown up that something isn’t right, that someone is drinking or taking too many drugs and is incapable of caring properly for themselves, let alone a child. If a child has been left alone whilst a parent or carer has gone out, it’s time to take action. Speak to the adult about your issues. Get advice, ring your local drug and alcohol service, children’s services or NSPCC. It does not matter if someone is an ‘addict’ and I do not believe someone has to hit ‘rock bottom’. If a substance is causing problems for them, they may need some help. They may be a binge drinker or a daily drinker. Every night from 5pm or every day from getting up. This can range from a direct conversation with a friend to drug and alcohol treatment. The child also needs their own help. Don’t leave them out of the process.
  3. Age appropriate explanations of drugs and alcohol and how they affect people – It is very important to understand that children need an explanation of what alcohol and drugs are and how some people can have problems. Calling substances ‘medicine’ is not appropriate. They need to feel like they are not alone in their situation.
  4. For professionals and families to listen, hear and take action on what they share so that they are truly heard – imagine what a relief it is when you share something that has been worrying you? Now imagine you are a child. Imagine that you have told a grown up and it takes a month to hear anything back. Imagine that you never hear anything and your parents find out you have told someone outside the family home. Imagine that a social worker came to see you and then nothing really happened. Imagine that your whole family know what’s going on, but nobody does anything about it. It doesn’t feel very nice does it? We need to take action. Always. And if someone doesn’t get back to you about that action. Follow it up.
  5. For families not to ask them to cover up what is going on in the family home – Just don’t do it. This causes so much more trauma for children than the substance use in itself. Once professionals get involved, families can prime children to say this and not say that. Allowing them to say what they need to means they can deal with their own thoughts and feelings. Plus adults get the help they need too.
  6. For professionals to understand the child’s change cycle- Just because an adult is in recovery, does not mean that things change for them. It brings a whole new (or much repeated) journey into recovery, This journey is often filled with anxiety, worry or a whole new set of parental boundaries or even affection implemented by their parent in recovery. So often, if cases are at Child Protection (have a social worker), once a parent has been in recovery for quite a short amount of time, the case gets closed. This means the family can be on their own again navigating this new path together. It can be a tricky one! Please keep professionals involved with the family to help them in their recovery journey.
  7. Not to be told they are naughty! Yes- behaviour will be impacted upon for many reasons. Please do not label them as being ‘naughty’/ I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this happen, even when we know about the situation they are living in.
  8. For -grown-ups to be trauma aware understand, consider and ask how they feel, what they want and how they wish to be worked with or helped.

To Close

I could write all day about this.

What I want to close with is that parents who use substances are NOT BAD PARENTS. People use substances often because of trauma they have experienced themselves or in times of stress and chaos. Every person within the family needs help and support. Children need protective factors in place when they are living in this situation.

A specialist service delivering work with families on parental substance use may be available in your area. This is the ideal service to support children and families.

If anyone needs any advice or support my inboxes are open this week.

Take care,

 

Victoria