The Child’s Change Cycle- how children feel during a parent’s recovery

by Victoria Seed | Thursday, March 18, 2021 | Addiction, Alcohol, Carer, Children, Emotions, Family

The Child’s Change Cycle- how children feel during a parent’s recovery

I came across the Child’s Change Cycle in Fiona Harbin and Michael Murphy book, ‘Secret Lives: Growing with Substance Misuse – Working with children and young people affected by family substance misuse’ in 2006. It’s a fantastic book and in it they developed the Cycle of Change to add further context to it in terms of how children might feel during their parent’s recovery from substance misuse.

I previously wrote about the Cycle of Change- How to use it to support a loved one’s recovery. This was an introduction to the cycle of change and how to understand it to support a loved one’s recovery. In this blog, I’m taking it one step further to consider children on the change cycle. Here’s a reminder of what the Cycle of Change looks like.

Substance Misuse and Parenting

It is no surprise that parenting capacity is affected by a parent who is drinking or taking drugs. I do not like to drink in front of my children and I don’t like other people drinking around them either. Why? I know that after a couple of drinks, my guard is down and my parenting is not as good as it is when I’m not drinking. I also know that my tolerance levels these days are critically low, so I can feel the effects from one drink. I recognise that when adults drink around children, the conversation can change to inappropriate topics, swearing freely and that children can see a difference in adult behaviour when drinking (or have the time of their lives because they have fewer boundaries!). So wherever possible, I keep my own children away from it.

It is important to remember here that SUBSTANCE USE DOES NOT MAKE PARENTS BAD PARENTS! How everyone manages their own use is up to them, I have formed my own view from over fifteen years of working with children, young people and families and helping many of those families recover from parental substance use. Many people use substances and manage and function very well in their daily life, including in their parenting capacity. Many parents still go out at the weekend, ensure their children are safe and cared for and have a great time using recreational drugs or drinking and slip back into their routine when they’re done.

In my work, however, the parents I supported had significant problems with their use and there was not one child who has not known about their parents’ problems with drug or alcohol use in one way or another.

A friend of mine told me a few year’s ago that she had given up drinking when her son told her she drank too much. She described that this was a realisation for her and she decided to have a break months ago. She feels so good from giving up that she has continued. Is she an “alcoholic”? No. Was alcohol causing her some problems? Yes.

Children and the recovery cycle

It would make sense that when a parent stops drinking or using drugs, that everything in family life will be happy and there would be a great deal of positive changes. There will be positive changes, but a parent stopping using is the very start of that change in a family. For a child, having a parent that is more present than they have been in a long time, perhaps actually parenting for the first or a long time can be confusing and needs to be handled with care.

So, Harbin and Murphy, created an additional layer to the Cycle of Change to reflect how children may feel at each stage of the cycle (diagram from Children and Young People affected by Parents’/Carers’ or Siblings’ Drug or Alcohol Misuse Guidance for Professionals)

When a parent is in active use and has no intention of changing, a young person can experience neglect and emotional abuse. This sounds harsh, but in reality, when a parent’s priority is drugs or alcohol, their child is not. The relationship is affected and the child will not understand why.

In contemplation, a child has hope that things might change.

In preparation/decision, there is further hope but also anxiety about change.

In action/active change, this hope and anxiety increases.

Liane Goryl, who has managed young people’s services and is now managing locally commissioned contracts said, “If the parent is in the maintenance phase and living a substance free life, the young person will have been impacted upon during other stages of the parental cycle of change. As the adult moves through the cycle of change, so does the child. They experience their own worries and concerns which can impact on their mental wellbeing. Even when the parent successfully stays in the maintenance phase, the young person can wonder why all of a sudden their parent is putting in boundaries and rules and interested in where that young person is. This can contribute to a young person trying to regain control and pushing back and not obeying rules that are now being implemented by parents. Where there are much younger siblings that have only known the parent to be drug free compared with an older brother or sister; it can be difficult for that teenager to understand why the parent could become substance free to look after that child but not them, causing an emotional response in the form or anger and depression”.

As Liane states, I have seen young people react in this way to their parent’s recovery. The shift easily moves to their behaviour rather than anyone actually considering the change for them and why their behaviour is occurring. I have sat in many child protection meetings which have focussed on the behaviour of a child without a connection being made that that behaviour is due to a parent’s substance use. Please bear this in mind.

Lapse and Relapse cause disappointment, fear, confusion and sadness.

How can we help?

At each stage of the cycle, we need to consider where a child is at too. What are they thinking? How are they feeling? Families think they hide a loved one’s substance misuse well, but the best thing to do is speak to children in an age appropriate manner. A good starting point is to ask them how they are, what makes them happy and is there anything that makes them sad. I explain more about this in my blog Helping Children with a Drug and Alcohol Using Parent.

The thing to remember is not to feel guilty if you have children. The key with family support is communication. Talk to your children about the problem, create an open forum for them to talk and ask them how they are. Discuss any changes and make sure they have good quality time with you, your loved one and their friends and family. I always advise to let school know about the situation so that they have someone to talk to that they can trust outside the family. Use this model to establish how they might be feeling and work through those feelings. Not all children will feel the same but they need someone to talk to.

I can help you!

We work on this and more in my one to one programmes. This month, I have an offer on for 10 sessions for £997. This is a low investment for the changes that I help my clients make.

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I help my clients reduce stress and live a better life.

Sign up to my mailing list here and get my free 10 Steps to Family Recovery download with my top tips for family recovery.

Take Care.

Victoria x

www.vestaapproach.co.uk

A message to parents from a child of an alcoholic

by Victoria Seed | Friday, February 12, 2021 | Addiction, Children, Family

I’ll be posting some stories from families who have lived with a loved one’s addiction. I saw this lady post in a group and she gave me permission to share this in a blog. I knew how much she had to give to others.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Please pop your thoughts and feelings in the comments below the post so she can check back and see how she has helped.

So, today is my Dad’s funeral.

A sad day for any Daughter that loses her dad but you see, my Dad was a CHRONIC alcohol most of my life.

Growing up with him as my father was horrible, not gonna lie.

My only memories of him is being drunk out his face, coming round by where I lived, and me being embarrassed and running away with my friends and hiding! That is the ONLY word I can use to express how I felt about him, Embarrassed.

Come the age of 17, I’d had enough of him and never saw him again until (fast-forward) 15 years later, when he contacted my mum to let her know that he was sober and asked if I want to see him, along with my sister.

To be honest I had lost all kind of respect for him but, me being me, I thought, ‘You know what? I’ll do it.’

But… it was only for his sake. After all…why would I need him now after all these years of nothing.

So, that was it. I met my sober dad for the first time ever in my life, aged 33ish.

It was very strange to begin with. I liked the idea of having a ‘dad’ but the reality was very different.

I just couldn’t help but see these memories of him being drunk and doing my head in. It took a long time to trust him as well.

He wanted to meet my daughter but, at the time, she was only young and I thought, ‘No.’ This is about ME and YOU. Bringing my daughter into the equation would’ve been far too much for me (emotionally) and she had a very good relationship with her step-grandad anyway from a baby, so why jeopardise that?

He did get a bit funny about it, but I stayed strong and just said, ‘Look, when she is older and we have established a relationship then, ok, yes, you can meet her. Right now she is too young to take it all in.’

If I’m honest peeps, I think I was a bit embarrassed still if that makes sense?

Fast-forward a few years, we stayed in contact. I’d go round and visit him and everything was fine.

Then I’m not sure what happened but we had a falling out. I think he got back into his selfish ways and started telling me things (family stuff) that could’ve damaged me but didn’t . (I already had an idea anyway..nothing too serious btw).

Then, he started to have a go at me about not letting him meet him daughter and so, for about a year or so, we hardly spoke. Anyway. We became friends again and carried on.

But here’s the thing. I would say that even though we were in contact for around 10 years, it’s only been the last 2 that we had become really close.

I soon realised where I get my personality from and my ‘wild side’ from LOL and then it would be like, ‘Wow dad, we really are like 2 peas in a pod’.

I can say finally I felt proud of him being my dad! It was brilliant!

I used to feel sad looking at him playing his guitar (he was a master on the guitar). I thought, ‘What a shame. He could’ve taught me to play when I was younger’.

I thought about how much of a laugh we’d have had if we ever were to have gone to a pub for a pint together (had he not been an alcoholic) and that we would’ve had great times together had he not have drank…

So here I am today. Dreading the day ahead as it’s time for me to say goodbye.

The fact that he lived this long is a miracle in itself, because when I say he was chronic, I mean chronic. He was very close to death just before he stopped.

And so… the main point of me sharing this with you all is please… If you are struggling to come off drink or drugs and you have children and it is affecting your relationship with them, please don’t wait to change until it’s ‘too late’.

My dad was lucky in the sense that he, for one, didn’t die sooner before getting the contact with me that he did.

Also, that I didn’t let his alcoholism stand in the way of us both.

I let him back into my life.

Not all people are like that. Some children might be like, ‘Fuck you!’ and hold a grudge and I would HATE that to happen to any of you!

I feel lucky that we were able to finally be able to connect the way that we did, but, I tell you what…I wish that my good memories of us were not just within the last couple of years!

My sister asked me about them speaking at the funeral and she said, ‘Are there any good childhood memories of him you can think of that the service director can say?’ Of course my answer was, ‘No …… because there aren’t any!’

Let them have some good memories of you!

Oh. Just in case you were wondering, he never did meet his granddaughter. By the time she was older and I was proud of him, it was too late. He died from poor health due to all the years of the drinking.

So please .. if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children before it’s too late!

Hope this all makes sense and I’m sending you all the love and strength in the world.

Anon

Thank you so much for sharing. If you’re reading this and you need help with a loved one’s addiction…

Join my free group here

Download Ten Ways to Family Recovery here

How to help children living with parental substance use

by Victoria Seed | Friday, February 12, 2021 | Addiction, Alcohol, Children, drugs, Family

How to help children living with parental substance use

Have you ever thought about the impact of parental substance use on children?

It’s something that many overlook when we think about addiction.

Here’s the thing, NACOA (The National Association for the Children of Alcoholics) say that 1 in 5 children are affected by parental alcohol use. The writing of this blog is timely, as it’s NACOA’s Children of Alcoholics Week starting this Sunday.

Hidden Harm (2003) estimated that between 2-3% of children lived with parents with a serious drug problem. For this research, the focus was on serious or dependent drug use only. Keep in mind that this research is nearly 20 years old. We need to consider that most people don’t even enter treatment!

Many people don’t consider themselves to have a problem when drinking a bottle or two of wine very night or snorting a few grams of cocaine on a weekend either.

BUT.. we do need to consider the children in this. In all types of substance misuse.

What are they seeing, hearing and feeling?

What version of their parent/carer are they getting today?

The impact on children

NACOA say…

A research study with 4,000 respondents estimates there are 3 million children in the UK living with parental alcohol problems. They are:

Six times as likely to witness domestic violence

Five times as likely to develop an eating problem

Three times as likely to consider suicide

Twice as likely to experience difficulties at school

Twice as likely to develop alcoholism or addiction

Twice as likely to be in trouble with the police

So, we know that there can be an impact on children through to their adulthood (check out the Adverse Childhood Experiences – ACES- studies to find out more)

What have I seen and how can we help?

I started working in the substance misuse field in 2005, helping individuals, children and families to recover. Some of the themes I’ve seen are as follows…

Secrets and lies

Families tend to close rank when someone has a problem. This is usually because they don’t know what to do and because of the stigma and shame of the problem. Sometimes, it’s because they have drank or used drugs with the family member and they feel responsible.

What this leads to is nobody in the family getting the help they need! Children know something is wrong, but nobody is explaining what?

Speak to children about what is going on in an age-appropriate manner. Even if your loved one doesn’t want to change, I recommend you speak to your children and explain that your loved one has a problem and you are helping them.

Get them someone to help outside the family home, ideally a professional. School is ideal so that they can check in with them. There may be specialist services in your area who can help.

Families waiting for the person using substances to change without getting help

This doesn’t usually work and is mostly down to addiction and recovery not being understood. Families live their lives based on the mood of their loved one’s substance use and waiting for them to change. This leaves children in the middle, possible for longer than they need to be.

Even if your loved one doesn’t want to change, you can get your own help and can support you and your family to recover. Helping ONE person within a family can have a huge impact on everyone else. In most cases, my clients see a change in their loved one and many cut down or stop their substance or get the help they need.

Family Conflict

Children may experience parental conflict. I have worked with families where their children are used as pawns in arguments by parents. This obviously isn’t a healthy place for a child to be.

Children may react to the situation they are in and then professionals and families can then focus on the children’s behavior, rather than considering their behaviour being a reaction to what is going on around them. This can push children into an even more difficult place and feel responsible for the situation or confused.

People may read this and think this doesn’t apply to them.

I think it’s important to think about this…
What experience are children getting from the person/people using substances when they are sober, when they are intoxicated and when they are coming down/hungover?

Even if children can’t name it. They notice these differences.

One way of avoiding conflict is to walk away from your loved one when they are intoxicated.

When they are sober, speak to them about your feelings and not their behaviour.

Think about the boundaries of what you want your life and your children’s lives to look like. Remember that you can’t put boundaries around someone else! You telling your loved one to stop drinking or using probably hasn’t worked that well so far.

Seeing or hearing a parent being intoxicated or being drawn into substance using behaviours

Parental Substance use is one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences that have been identified as having an impact on children’s health outcomes moving into adulthood.

Children may experience other adults being intoxicated.

Dealers may be dropping substances off at the family home or children may to taken to dealers houses.

Children may have their own strong feelings about seeing a parent’s substance use such as fear, embarrassment, shame, worry, normalisation of their situation.

Protecting the children from harm is absolutely crucial in terms of safeguarding.
We need to be working towards children being shielded from this type of behaviour and, if possible, not being around the substance use.
An example of this is having an agreement that if a loved one is drinking, they do this away from the family home or in a separate room.
Perhaps you could agree that your loved one can meet their dealers away from the family home, if they are choosing to continue to use their substance.

The children can be shielded BUT remember they need to talk about what’s going on too.

The instability of a parent moving around the cycle of change

People in recovery can move around the Cycle of Change from pre-contemplation to change, however, children and families may not move at the same pace. They have often experienced and remember a great deal of stress and strain which, sadly, are not often taken into consideration in our current recovery treatment models.

While an individual is delighted to be doing well in their recovery, the children and family may not feel the same. I’ve seen parents in recovery suddenly setting boundaries and completely changing their parenting approach, which is a real shock for children and does not actually help to build up he trust and love that they need.

When a parent stops using a substance, it’s just the beginning for the family. Children may be anxious and worry that things will go back to the way they were. It takes time to build a sense of trust and rebuild the relationships. I wish this was taught more in drug and alcohol treatment services.

Keep speaking to the children about how they feel and what their wishes are.

The non-using parent/carer please speak to the children and get your own help.

To the person using substances, please consider the needs of your children in recovery. You are often taught to put yourself first and prioritise recovery over everything, but you also have children and a family waiting for you who love you.

Next steps

I help family members living with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use and I can help you too.

Get my free download Ten Ways to Family Recovery here with a handy checklist and free services who can help, including NACOA.

If you are a women living with a loved one’s addiction, join my Facebook support group The Family Recovery Club.

If you want to know more about my programmes, click here.

Take Care,

Victoria

Resilience- how to cope under pressure

by Victoria Seed | Saturday, June 16, 2018 | Resilience

Resilience- how to cope under pressure

I attended Liggy Webb’s Resilience Master Class in Manchester a few years ago and I’ve been a huge fan of her work ever since. I am so excited that she has agreed to guest blog for us. Liggy has worked all over the world supporting individuals and organisations through her amazing knowledge and specialism of this subject. She ignited my passion for the subject which I taught to staff and managers in the NHS at the time. See my blog “How the Circle of Influence can help you lead a better life”.

Resilience is such an important skill/behaviour/attitude to have in order for us to cope with difficult situations thrown our way. That’s not to say that we will always be resilient all of the time and in every situation! Learning how to “be” resilient is crucial when living with a problematic drug or alcohol user. Whether you are in this situation or not, Liggy wrote this guest blog for me last year and it’s just too good not to re-post:

By Liggy Webb

The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.

Japanese Proverb

What is resilience?

Some people describe resilience as the ability to bend instead of breaking when experiencing pressure or the ability to persevere and adapt when faced with challenges. These abilities help people to be more open and willing to take on new opportunities. In this way resilience is more than just survival, it is also about letting go and learning to grow.

Liggy’s work

Personally I find the topic of resilience fascinating and have spent the last few years deep in research exploring the habits and behaviors of resilient people. In the work that I do with the United Nations travelling to some very challenged parts of the world I have had the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life.

For my latest book Resilience – How to cope when everything around you changes I interviewed over 100 people who had experienced varying degrees of set backs. From these interviews and various other research channels I was able to create a competency framework around resilience, developing a deep understanding of the necessary coping strategies for dealing with adversity.

Personal experience

Then I was given a huge opportunity to personally put my knowledge and the strategies that I had designed to the test!

Two years ago, quite out of the blue after feeling very lethargic and out of sorts, I was diagnosed with a very rare tumour actually growing inside my heart. The prognosis was critical and open-heart surgery was the only way to proceed. For someone who is in good health and still in my forties it came as a huge shock. I guess we never really imagine things like this are going to happen to us until they do! The most significant thing that I learnt was that whilst we may not be able to control some of our circumstances, we can absolutely choose the way we respond to them.

I think in many ways I surprised myself, you never really know how you will react in these situations and it’s amazing how resourceful we can be when we need to.

I learnt so many things and I can honestly say it has certainly taught me a few things about recovery and indeed my own resilience. It was without doubt, life changing, with so many defining moments.

Top tips for resilience

Recently I was interviewed about my own experience with regards to recovery and asked to define the three most important resilience behaviors and this is what I concluded:

1. Accept your current situation

Let’s face it we all like to be in control, however, in some situations you have to put your trust in others hands and ask for help. For example, if we think of what we can control and what we can’t, we need to accept we cannot change the choices other people make. We can only change the way we behave. Sometimes acceptance of your situation and taking care of yourself is the best use of your energy.

Tips for accepting your current situation

Remember acceptance is not about resignation, it is the recognition that fighting a situation that you cannot change may be a waste of personal resources
Acceptance will put you in state of flow which will help to reduce stress and anxiety
Learn that you cannot control other people’s choices

2. Take personal responsibility

Life can be very unpredictable and invariably we will all be subjected to various set backs and personal challenges. You can’t always control what happens to you in life.

You do however have total control about how you choose to respond to those situations. By taking personal responsibility for your reactions and attitude you will be far more empowered to cope and manage the ultimate outcome.

Tips for taking personal responsibility

Acknowledge that you are in total control of your response to any situation that presents itself to you
Be aware of the victim trap and focus on what you can do
Avoid the blame game and spend your time seeking solutions – spend your time instead seeking solutions

3. Be positive

Thinking positively is not about putting your head in the sand and being unrealistic, as some people may believe. With a positive attitude you can recognise the negative aspects of a situation and then make a conscious decision to focus instead on the hope and opportunity that is available. This releases you from getting locked in a paralysing loop of negative emotion and allows you to bounce back from adversity and challenging experiences.

Tips for seeing the glass half full

Try to make a conscious decision to challenge each negative thought and flip it over into a positive thought
Understand that every experience in your life whether it is good, or bad will bring a valuable lesson with it which will enable you to cope better in the future.
Remember that life is ultimately what you make of it and your attitude can have a huge impact on everything you experience

In summary

Being resilient takes effort and practice. It may well feel sometimes as if you are taking one step forwards and two steps back, almost as if you are doing a little dance with life. The key however is to keep moving and to not lose the faith that you can and will pull through if you remain positive and hopeful. The quicker that you can start recovering and bounce back, the better because life can pass so quickly and this is your golden opportunity to make the best and the most of it.

More information about resilience

Thanks so much to Liggy for writing a blog for us.

For access to a complimentary life skills library email liggy@liggywebb.com

Click to access The Little Book of Resilience

Check out Liggy’s Website

Please comment about what you do to keep resilient.

I can help

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

Take care,

Victoria.