I’m a total and utter party pooper when it comes to drinking around children. A bit of an outcast in terms of my opinion on the subject. It’s what our mums and dads always did and it didn’t do us any harm right? Wrong!
Before I begin, I don’t want to come across as patronising. Those who know me know I love partying with the best of them. I enjoy drinking to enhance a night out or a Saturday night in. I do not enjoy hangxiety or alcohol-induced-depression one little bit. As a drug and alcohol practitioner, I do not always practise what I preach. But, that’s another story for another day (maybe).
Who are we talking about?
I’ve specialised in familial substance misuse for the majority of my career (since 2005). I’ve supported hundreds of families into recovery as well as some who have not managed it. I’ve met people who are desperate to change in order to prevent their children being removed from their care. I’ve met families where I’ve been involved in decision making about the need to remove children from their care.
I don’t want to focus on talking about families who are subject to child protection plans or in the ‘safeguarding arena’. I’m talking about professional people who have enough disposable income to pick up the phone and text a dealer or pop out and or give crate man/woman a call (do they still exist?!) to drop off some more booze while their mates are round and the kids are upstairs.
When my husband and I had our daughter, we made a decision to have a child focused parenting style. Our lives changed to adapt to her needs. Other parents might have a parent focused style where the baby, still very much loved, slots into the lives of the parents and things carry on as before. There is nothing wrong with either of these approaches.
We stopped drinking around our children and have drinking curfews so that we have a few drinks after the children have gone to bed (mostly!) We made this decision because of the work I do and for other reasons.
I remember my parents (sorry dad) going out drinking and friends coming back to the house. I remember them coming in my room stinking of booze and garlic (bleugh), hammered. I remember my mum screaming at my dad because he got drunk the night before a holiday. I remember the times they were drunk and it was totally cringe. I remember being at family parties where all the grown-ups were acting weird. I remember being at friends’ houses where other people’s parents were drunk, with their adult friends around when I was 13. Not great memories. I’m sure they remember when I was drunk too but we aren’t talking about that today either!
Am I traumatised by these memories? Not really, but I didn’t particularly like it and I didn’t feel particularly safe.
We remember these things because our memories are connected to our emotions. Fear, embarrassment, shame, worry (and feelings of pleasure and happiness too- it’s not all doom and gloom!).
Do you remember your parents drinking? Or maybe they’re still at it!
Like Sugar for Adults
A report was published in 2017, Like Sugar for Adults. It found that it isn’t just dependent drinkers or alcoholics that have an impact on children. Parents don’t have to be wasted for children to understand that there is a difference in their behaviour. They experience negative feelings but also have an understanding that their parents have less boundaries and control over their children when they have had a drink, so can get away with more.
It also found that:
- 29% of parents reported having been drunk in front of their child.
- 51% of parents reported having been tipsy in front of their child.
- 29% of parents thought it was ok to get drunk in front their child as long as it did not happen regularly.
- If a child had seen their parent tipsy or drunk, they were less likely to consider the way their parent drinks alcohol as providing a positive role model for them – regardless of how much their parent usually drank.
The more parents drank, the more likely children were to experience a range of harms, beginning from relatively low levels of drinking. As a result of their parent’s drinking:
- 18% of children had felt embarrassed.
- 11% of children had felt worried.
- 7% of children said their parents had argued with them more than usual.
- 8% of children said their parents had been more unpredictable.
- 12% of children said their parents had paid them less attention.
- 15% of children said their bedtime routine had been disrupted; either by being put to bed earlier or later than usual.
Sorry to go on, but, having worked in the safeguarding children arena, there is also a risk of the following when adults drink and take drugs;
*Child Sexual Exploitation
*Witnessing violence (domestic or relatives scrapping at the family wedding)
*Impact on routines and boundaries
*Developing an unhealthy attitude to alcohol (normalising or fear)
Without riddling you with guilt or turning you into a safeguarding professional over-protective freak (if you know, you know), here are some questions to ask yourself if you’re getting ready for some recreational alcohol or drug use tonight:
- Are my children safe?
- Are they being cared for while we get drink/take drugs?
- Have they got access to the alcohol or drugs?
- Are we able to care for them if they wake in the night?
- Is there a responsible adult around to respond to their needs if the other adults are under the influence?
- Are there other adults around who are drinking and using drugs? How much do we know about them?
- Is the conversation appropriate for children?
- Do we know what the children are doing?
- What will our children see of us when sober?
- What about when under the influence?
- Do we know everyone in the house or where we are?
- What about tomorrow when on a hangover or come down?
- Are we emotionally available for our children when under the influence?
- Will the children still be okay when the babysitter goes home and we are intoxicated?
How I handle it
The approach we have to drinking is:
- We tend to avoid drinking in the day (nothing good ever comes of it!) and if we want a drink, we do so when the children have gone to bed (a time boundary that works well for us)
- My children do not witness us drinking as a coping mechanism
- We don’t take them late to parties where adults are drinking
- We aim for them to understand alcohol can be enjoyed as an occasional recreational thing and not be ‘hidden’ from it
- We have told my daughter that some people have problems when they drink too much wine or take drugs and that mummy helps them
Parental substance use can be a safeguarding issue if children are deemed at risk and we all have a safeguarding responsibility for children, whose needs are deemed as paramount to ours. This doesn’t mean that parents can’t enjoy themselves with a bit of parental substance use and be great parents, but I’ve seen in my practice that there is a fine line between what is acceptable and what is not.
I ask for you to put yourself in your children’s shoes before inviting everyone round to party. My advice is- get the kids out of the way and then let your hair down!
If you want help with your drinking or drug use or you are affected by someone else’s, please Get in touch
for a friendly chat about your situation and to find out more about my services.