Counselling is not the only option

Counselling is not the only option

Counselling is not the only option

 

Drug and alcohol use affects not only the person using the substance themselves, but the people around them too. It is estimated that for every problematic substance user, between five and twenty family members are affected by their use (ADFAM).

I wanted to write about why counselling isn’t the only option. Don’t get me wrong, I will never, ever discredit counselling because I’ve had it myself and had a positive experience. I also work with counsellors and fully respect what they do, so they would not be too impressed with me if I said otherwise!

That said, counselling isn’t the only option. Recently, I’ve had a few conversations about this very point.

 

About my service

 

For the type of help someone using substances can access, have a look at my blog, Drug and alcohol help- choices for a friend or family member.

Speaking for myself, I am a qualified and experienced drug and alcohol practitioner, also qualified in teaching, NLP, a safeguarding practitioner and soon-to-be professional coach and I have led and developed services and teams. I have a track record of supporting individuals and families to recover from their own substance use or the effects of it as a family member.

I offer solution focused therapeutic interventions.

What does that mean? It means when a person using substances, or a family member, comes to me and asks me to help them with drugs, alcohol and associated problems, they set the goals and I guide them towards achieving these goals within a specific time-frame, following a specific programme.

The therapy isn’t just the session we have together. The individual I’m working with has to put into practice what we’ve covered in the session. Therapy requires a commitment to change.

I used evidence-based programmes for my family work. Evidence-based means that I use programmes that have been developed by other people that have been tested out to be effective for the people I’m working with. If my client goes off track, that’s fine, I’ll help them get back on their path to reach their goal, or we’ll set new ones together. Things change, so do people.

My clients are in control, I advise and guide them to get to where they want to be, but in planned, semi-structured sessions. We cover different topics in each session, have a check in and review at the start of each session and plan an action for the week at the end of it. I want to move people on.

For me, the session doesn’t end there, there is additional work that takes place behind the scenes such as recording notes, admin tasks, contacting services I have consent to speak with or refer to and so on. If there is more than one family member getting support, then this will increase the time spent on each case. I have an option to travel to my clients, so this time is factored in.

What my clients get as standard is:

  • Weekly one-hour therapeutic session (Skype/face to face with options in family home or at my Manchester base)
  • Solution-focused work so they will see a change in the time they work with me which is evidence by a relaxed assessment at the start and end of our work.
  • Actions to follow up between sessions with support
  • Programmes are evidence based
  • Referrals and communication with existing or new services (with consent)
  • Email/text contact between sessions

 

I also offer options to support people in their own homes or at an appropriate venue or their choice.

My expertise in supporting recovery from drugs and alcohol ensures that the people I support get a specialist service for a special issue.

 

Other types of support

 

I asked some colleagues and friends of mine what they offer in their services, so I could attempt to explain counselling and alternative support…

 

Counselling

 

Louise Wilkinson is not only a qualified drug and alcohol practitioner but is also a counsellor. I asked her what the difference is in drug and alcohol work and counselling. She said,

“A counsellor process is led by the client. The counsellor doesn’t have an agenda. The session is directed and led primarily by the person coming for help. The sessions help them to achieve whatever brought them to counselling in the first place. It doesn’t mean the presenting need ends up being the problem they end up dealing with, but they are autonomous in their decision making and how the session goes.”

Following the session, some counsellors will write up brief therapeutic notes, so unless there are any safeguarding issues, when the session finishes, the therapists work is complete. The client will have a lot to think about. Louise says that in her role as a substance misuse worker, she does use counselling skills, but also offers information and advice, which wouldn’t be the case in her counselling sessions where she would encourage her clients to work through feelings, emotions and behaviours.

Some counsellors specialise in addiction (and many other areas) too, so be sure to ask this because it is really useful to work through the feelings that led to the substance use in the first place. There is usually no time limit to counselling so some people might access it for years and others a much shorter period of time.

 

Hypnotherapy

 

Thomas McGowan is a hypnotherapist and he describes hypnotherapy as,

“Relaxation, like daydreaming, that’s what the feeling is almost. Clients are fully aware of what’s going on, but are focusing on the subconscious mind, where everything is controlled, including feelings and functions. By working directly with the subconscious mind, we are able to get to the root cause of presenting problems. We cannot change memories, but we can sever the emotional ties, are so clients getting the best possible outcomes with the least discomfort.”

Thomas delivers addiction hypnotherapy in which he deals with changing perspective, letting go of the past and building the future. The initial offer is five x 1.5 hour sessions with the option of ongoing support if needed.

In Thomas’s opinion, hypnotherapy clients revisit their pain-points but they are moved on from these in a comfortable way, rather than staying in the moment. He believes counselling works through these painful times by revisiting them and the feelings associated with it.

 

Community Drug and Alcohol Services

 

Each local authority provides funded drug and alcohol services, guided by our drug strategy. They are free for people who want to use the service. Every locality offers a service for adults and also for young people. These services provide support for people experiencing problems with substances. Some also provide support for affected family members too. For example, One Recovery in Bury delivers CRAFT which is an evidence- based model supporting families living with a loved one’s substance use. It is a similar model to the one I use in my practice.

I have previously worked at Early Break and I’m currently delivering a project there for their Holding Families Service. Early Break has a range of services that supports young people and families. I might be biased but they are brilliant!

 

In summary

 

The difference between these service and the others I mentioned is that these are free and the others are private, which means the client pays for them. Some counselling can be offered through GP’s along with other therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which are equally as effective, depending on the needs of the client. They usually require a bit of a wait to access them because of the high need.

It is always advisable to check a practitioner’s experience of supporting drugs, alcohol and/or families before deciding to work with them. In addition, check their credentials and who they are registered or accredited with because this gives an extra layer of protection for the services you opt for. I am registered with the Federation of Drug and Alcohol Practitioners, which means I have to follow their code of practice and I’m listed on there in their practitioner directory.

Some people want a private service, others don’t, but everyone listed above works confidentially. Every one of the services above may be qualified in one or more type of support. The important thing is to ask.

Hopefully this has made a bit of sense about the options available to support families and that counselling is not the only option.

 

Other support

 

I obviously don’t have time to mention every type of support here. There are so many options for therapy. Here are some services relevant to my clients:

  • For children affected by parental alcohol use, take a look at NACOA.
  • For families, take a look at ADFAM’s website.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.

 

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How do I know if someone is an addict?- Part two- The diagnosis of substance use

How do I know if someone is an addict?- Part two- The diagnosis of substance use

Hopefully you read part one of my blog last week How do I know if someone is an addict?- Part one- The stages of substance use

This week, I’ll focus on the diagnosis of substance use. To put it simply, I think if someone has a problem with substance use, then they need help. In our culture, we seem to always want some sort of diagnosis.

 

How we diagnose

 

The ICD-10 International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (mental and behavioural disorders) is what medical professional use to diagnose health problems. It is led by the World Health Association and is the main reference guide in the UK.

Interestingly, the ICD-10 does not even refer to ‘addiction’ as a disorder and hasn’t done since 1964.

Instead, it refers to:

Harmful use– A pattern of psychoactive substance use that is causing damage to health. The damage may be physical (as in cases of hepatitis from the self-administration of injected drugs) or mental (e.g. episodes of depressive disorder secondary to heavy consumption of alcohol).

 

The diagnosis requires that actual damage should have been caused to the mental or physical health of the user and not just the social impact on themselves or their family members.

 

OR

 

Dependence syndrome– A cluster of physiological, behavioural, and cognitive phenomena in which the use of a substance or a class of substances takes on a much higher priority for a given individual than other behaviours that once had greater value.

The explanation given is that people have an overwhelming desire to take their particular drug(s) of choice or alcohol and if they do give up temporarily, they are more likely to return to old behaviours quickly, as opposed to someone who does not have a problems with substances but uses them.

 

Criteria

 

ICD10 states, ‘A definite diagnosis of dependence should usually be made only if three or more of the following have been present together at some time during the previous year:

(a) a strong desire or sense of compulsion to take the substance;

(b) difficulties in controlling substance-taking behaviour in terms of its onset, termination, or levels of use;

(c) a physiological withdrawal state (see F1x.3 and F1x.4) when substance use has ceased or been reduced, as evidenced by: the characteristic withdrawal syndrome for the substance; or use of the same (or a closely related) substance with the intention of relieving or avoiding withdrawal symptoms;

(d) evidence of tolerance, such that increased doses of the psychoactive substances are required in order to achieve effects originally produced by lower doses (clear examples of this are found in alcohol- and opiate-dependent individuals who may take daily doses sufficient to incapacitate or kill nontolerant users);

(e) progressive neglect of alternative pleasures or interests because of psychoactive substance use, increased amount of time necessary to obtain or take the substance or to recover from its effects;

(f) persisting with substance use despite clear evidence of overtly harmful consequences, such as harm to the liver through excessive drinking, depressive mood states consequent to periods of heavy substance use, or drug-related impairment of cognitive functioning; efforts should be made to determine that the user was actually, or could be expected to be, aware of the nature and extent of the harm

 

Screening tools

 

Here are some handy screening tools which can be self-scored. If you can get your loved one to complete it, great! If not, you may know enough about their substance using patterns to be able to give it a go yourself.

AUDIT

The Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test (AUDIT) is considered the most accurate alcohol screening tool for identifying potential alcohol misuse, including dependence. Here is a self-screening that you could explore with your loved one or have a look yourself on their behalf.

 

DUDIT

The Drug Use Disorder Identification Test is here in PDF form to use if you suspect your loved one is using drugs.

 

A note about language

 

I always refer to ‘people who have problems with substance use’ or something similar. I don’t like labels, but what individuals choose to refer to themselves as is their choice. As long as we are not labelling each other, then I think that’s fair enough. There is lots of choice around the help people get for their drug and alcohol use which means that people tend to label themselves depending on the model they use to get help. This doesn’t mean we should be doing it on behalf of individuals or making assumptions.

 

In summary then, although most of us are not medical professionals and therefore technically shouldn’t diagnose others, we can get a fair idea from the above to figure out whether we are on the right track with our loved one’s substance use.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.

 

How do I know if someone is an addict?- Part one- The stages of substance use

How do I know if someone is an addict?- Part one- The stages of substance use

Did I get your attention? Just so you know, I never ever label anyone an ‘addict’. I’ll explain why in part two of this blog. For now, forget the labels and read on…

 

Let’s face it, most of us have overindulged with alcohol and/or drugs in our time. Many people do this either regularly or occasionally and this causes minimal or no problems. It is difficult to recognise in ourselves that we might be going too far because ‘everyone is doing it’. ‘Such-and-such-a-body drinks more than me’. ‘I’ve been round and had nothing before (*reality check* – it was once) many a time and watched everyone get wasted’.

 

What I’m getting at here is that it’s easy for people to deny they have a problem. Sometimes we don’t recognise it in ourselves. Sometimes we don’t recognise it in others. Sometimes, others recognise it in us. We might recognise it in someone else that doesn’t have a clue!

 

Some people use drugs or alcohol and, other than tiredness and feeling a bit rubbish, get on with life as usual (ba****ds!). For others, it causes problems in daily functioning.

 

It is these people who often deny they have a problem and make excuses to deflect from the fact that they need to part ways with their substance(s) of choice. This is often too difficult to face for many and requires a whole lifestyle change and a lot of energy.

 

The starting point

 

The first port of call is to get clued up on the different types and stages of substance use. (Just so you know, I refer to substance use to include both drugs and alcohol)

 

To simplify…

 

I believe that if drugs or alcohol are causing problems in somebody’s life, then they need help. Depending on the stage of substance use they are at, their current lifestyle, their mental and physical health, motivation to change, Adverse Childhood Experiences and other life experiences, the help they need will vary.

Everyone’s recovery journey is unique and not everyone will want to stop.

 

The language of substance use

 

Firstly, there are differences between the language of substance use. Some terms commonly used are ‘problematic substance use’, ‘addiction’ or ‘dependency’, and, as they are used interchangeably, it starts being confusing!

Problematic substance use refers to drug or alcohol use which is affecting one or more areas of a person’s life. This could be work, relationships, health or anything else. People often don’t realise that the reason they are having problems, is due to their drug or alcohol use. They often don’t understand the impact of their particular drug on the way they think, feel and behave.

Dependency– is where an individual requires a drug, in order to function. In my view, this can be either physical or psychological. For example, some people use drugs to mask their feelings and some people use drugs to either mask their physical pain, or have what we refer to, as physical withdrawals when the drug starts to leave their system. Dependency is mostly attributed to drugs that cause physical symptoms in the body when someone tried to stop using them.

Addiction is where a particular behaviour is compulsive or habitual, despite the fact that it is having a negative impact on an individual’s life. The way I describe it is that the drug is in control of the person, rather than the person being in control of the drug.

Someone can be dependent and addicted to certain drugs (such as alcohol and heroin)

Someone can be addicted but not dependent on other drugs (such as cocaine and caffeine)

Someone can be dependent but not addicted (such as someone who is taking medication for pain)

 

Stages of substance use

 

Here’s a handy diagram to help you to start thinking about the above. Notice that ‘addiction’ is not referred to here as ‘addiction’ is not actually a diagnosis used for someone having problems with their substance use…

spectrum of pschoactive substances

Diagram source: http://www.cfdp.ca/bchoc.pdf

 

Beneficial use would generally be medicinal but, as stated, includes other benefits. Many substance users may say their drug use is beneficial for them. This could be true, but it could also be an excuse for continuing use. The minute the substance starts causing problems for them is the minute the negatives outweigh the positives.

 

Non-problematic use would be those people who manage their substance use with limited or no impact- This is sometimes where family members find out and start panicking. Talk to your loved one and get the facts. They might be taking them but managing their use well.

 

Problematic use (harmful use) can range from someone having a few problems or lots of problems- you may know more than your loved one that their substance use is causing them problems.

 

Dependence is where someone can no longer easily choose to stop taking their drug of choice. The individual’s priority is to source and use their drug and activities are centred around it.

 

Where is your loved one on the spectrum?

 

As I bring part one of this blog to a close, where do you think your loved one is on the spectrum of psychoactive substance use?

 

Head over here next week for part two where I will be focusing on the diagnosis of substance use.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.

How to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped

How to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped

How frustrating is it when we can see that someone we love has problems, yet they don’t seem to see it themselves? When they do see it, it’s a short-term realisation then, usually, a step back into their own behaviours.

 

For families and friends of that individual, it may seem that it is them that have to put up with the behaviours associated with drug and alcohol use and the consequences of it, while our loved one clearly does not give a flying one!

 

For anyone that knows how addiction works, I have written before about how a substance can change the functioning of the brain. Drugs and alcohol mess around with our dopamine, which is reward and pleasure neurotransmitter in the brain. This regulates our movement and emotional responses. Dopamine also regulates our thoughts, actions and behaviour. If anyone has ever taken a substance, we can probably recognise this association and why sometimes, when we drink or use drugs, we fall over, our inhibitions disappear, and we might do some pretty rubbish or wild things that we just wouldn’t normally do. (I may or may not be speaking from experience!) What this means is that eventually, pleasure-seeking behaviours will only ever include alcohol or drugs. You can spot this when ourselves, our friends or family members centre activities around substance use.

 

So, it’s no wonder then, that if drugs mess around with our brain, that we aren’t always that responsive to meeting other people’s needs because we’re too busy thinking about our own.

 

I believe people use drugs either to get away from something, or to get something out of it. People who use substances problematically are often trying to get away from something or might be trying to avoid any current or previous traumatic experience. There are lots of examples of this and brilliant research into Adverse Childhood Experiences and how these affect our health outcomes as adults.

 

ACE 1

ACE 2

The things we get out of alcohol and drugs obviously depend on the individual. There are always negative and positive consequences to substance use. The trick is, to figure out what they are for your loved one and then make sure that they experience those negatives as much as possible. Sounds harsh, right? It takes practice. We call these natural consequences. Families and friends will try to ‘help’ their loved one’s by clearing up after them, hiding the truth so they don’t feel bad the next day, not wanting to leave them in their own puke and so on. Listen. If someone has serious a problem with substance use, we need to allow them to feel discomfort or they will never change.

 

BUT….

 

As always, we need to get the balance right and don’t just leave them to it. Your loved one needs to know that you are there for them no matter what. You love them. You care for them and you will be there for them.

 

You won’t tolerate abuse, you will have boundaries and you will be in their company more when they are sober than drunk. This is a reward for being sober.

 

You can’t change someone else, you can only change yourself. Get help for you because, by changing your approach to your loved one’s substance use, you can influence their behaviour in the long run.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.

Resilience- how to cope under pressure

Resilience- how to cope under pressure

Resilience- how to cope under pressure

Liggy Webb

I attended Liggy Webb’s Resilience Master Class in Manchester a few years ago and I’ve been a huge fan of her work ever since. I am so excited that she has agreed to guest blog for us. Liggy has worked all over the world supporting individuals and organisations through her amazing knowledge and specialism of this subject. She ignited my passion for the subject which I taught to staff and managers in the NHS at the time. See my blog “How the Circle of Influence can help you lead a better life”.

Resilience is such an important skill/behaviour/attitude to have in order for us to cope with difficult situations thrown our way. That’s not to say that we will always be resilient all of the time and in every situation! Learning how to “be” resilient is crucial when living with a problematic drug or alcohol user. Whether you are in this situation or not, Liggy wrote this guest blog for me last year and it’s just too good not to re-post:


By Liggy Webb

The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.

Japanese Proverb

 

What is resilience?

 

Some people describe resilience as the ability to bend instead of breaking when experiencing pressure or the ability to persevere and adapt when faced with challenges. These abilities help people to be more open and willing to take on new opportunities. In this way resilience is more than just survival, it is also about letting go and learning to grow.

 

Liggy’s work

 

Personally I find the topic of resilience fascinating and have spent the last few years deep in research exploring the habits and behaviors of resilient people.  In the work that I do with the United Nations travelling to some very challenged parts of the world I have had the opportunity to meet people from all walks of life.

For my latest book Resilience – How to cope when everything around you changes I interviewed over 100 people who had experienced varying degrees of set backs. From these interviews and various other research channels I was able to create a competency framework around resilience, developing a deep understanding of the necessary coping strategies for dealing with adversity.

Resilience- how to cope when everything around you changes

 

Personal experience

 

Then I was given a huge opportunity to personally put my knowledge and the strategies that I had designed to the test!

Two years ago, quite out of the blue after feeling very lethargic and out of sorts, I was diagnosed with a very rare tumour actually growing inside my heart. The prognosis was critical and open-heart surgery was the only way to proceed. For someone who is in good health and still in my forties it came as a huge shock. I guess we never really imagine things like this are going to happen to us until they do! The most significant thing that I learnt was that whilst we may not be able to control some of our circumstances, we can absolutely choose the way we respond to them.

I think in many ways I surprised myself, you never really know how you will react in these situations and it’s amazing how resourceful we can be when we need to.

I learnt so many things and I can honestly say it has certainly taught me a few things about recovery and indeed my own resilience. It was without doubt, life changing, with so many defining moments.

 

Top tips for resilience

 

Recently I was interviewed about my own experience with regards to recovery and asked to define the three most important resilience behaviors and this is what I concluded:

 

1. Accept your current situation

Let’s face it we all like to be in control, however, in some situations you have to put your trust in others hands and ask for help. For example, if we think of what we can control and what we can’t, we need to accept we cannot change the choices other people make. We can only change the way we behave. Sometimes acceptance of your situation and taking care of yourself is the best use of your energy.

 Tips for accepting your current situation

  • Remember acceptance is not about resignation, it is the recognition that fighting a situation that you cannot change may be a waste of personal resources
  • Acceptance will put you in state of flow which will help to reduce stress and anxiety
  • Learn that you cannot control other people’s choices

 

2. Take personal responsibility

Life can be very unpredictable and invariably we will all be subjected to various set backs and personal challenges. You can’t always control what happens to you in life.

You do however have total control about how you choose to respond to those situations. By taking personal responsibility for your reactions and attitude you will be far more empowered to cope and manage the ultimate outcome.

Tips for taking personal responsibility

  • Acknowledge that you are in total control of your response to any situation that presents itself to you
  • Be aware of the victim trap and focus on what you can do
  • Avoid the blame game and spend your time seeking solutions – spend your time instead seeking solutions

 

3. Be positive

Thinking positively is not about putting your head in the sand and being unrealistic, as some people may believe. With a positive attitude you can recognise the negative aspects of a situation and then make a conscious decision to focus instead on the hope and opportunity that is available. This releases you from getting locked in a paralysing loop of negative emotion and allows you to bounce back from adversity and challenging experiences.

Tips for seeing the glass half full

  • Try to make a conscious decision to challenge each negative thought and flip it over into a positive thought
  • Understand that every experience in your life whether it is good, or bad will bring a valuable lesson with it which will enable you to cope better in the future.
  • Remember that life is ultimately what you make of it and your attitude can have a huge impact on everything you experience

 

In summary

Being resilient takes effort and practice. It may well feel sometimes as if you are taking one step forwards and two steps back, almost as if you are doing a little dance with life. The key however is to keep moving and to not lose the faith that you can and will pull through if you remain positive and hopeful. The quicker that you can start recovering and bounce back, the better because life can pass so quickly and this is your golden opportunity to make the best and the most of it.


More information about resilience

 

Thanks so much to Liggy for writing a blog for us.

For access to a complimentary life skills library email liggy@liggywebb.com

Click to access The Little Book of Resilience

Check out Liggy’s Website

Please comment about what you do to keep resilient.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.

 

 

Happiness Rules!

Happiness Rules!

Happiness Rules!

 

I hope you’ve all had a positive week.

 

When we are under pressure, even when we think we have a handle on it, that pressure can manifest itself in lots of different ways. Recently, I’ve felt it myself physically and emotionally. Luckily for me, when I feel like I’m running on empty, I can recognise it and resolve it pretty well. If we’re tired, we react differently. When we’re angry, or even ‘hangry’, we might respond a little bit emotionally to things that we’re generally OK with the rest of the time!

It’s up to us to manage our feelings and responses to things.

Let’s be realistic, life is never going to be happy all of the time. It’s how we bounce back from those times that’s important in our happiness. See Liggy Webb’s guest blog on resilience about this.

While we’re on the subject of happiness, here are my best happiness tips and ways to care for ourselves, because happiness rules:

 

Take responsibility- I know, I know. Takes a lot to back down and own our side of the behaviour, but doing this helps you move on from, or even avoid conflict altogether.

Keep building your relationships- making connections is what us humans need to live a long and happy life. Not money, not success but people. Get the people around you that have your back and you can’t go wrong.

Be present with your loved ones- listen to what they’re saying with no distractions. Limit the tech and enjoy yourselves.

Find a sense of purpose- we can be everything to anyone else but ourselves. Finding something we love doing for us is a wonderful feeling.

Be around positive people (boomerangs!) and phase out the negatives (doomerangs!)- I learnt this from the wonderful Liggy Webb. 

Be positive yourself- We can focus on every single negative in our lives or figure out what’s good about it.

Be grateful- think about everything good in your life, every day.

Say what you need to say- holding back what you need to say builds resentment. Remember when you give feedback to someone, take the emotion out of it, say it positively, see things from their point of view and make sure it’s a good time for both of you.

Keep a routine- children thrive from routine and predictability, and so do we. It prevents stress, anxiety and overwhelm. I have routines and plans which I stick to and it means I know when I have free time, when I’m doing too much and when I can let my hair down!

Say no and stick to boundaries- saying no is one of the hardest things we have to do in life because we feel responsible and feel guilty. If we can’t master this, we are pleasing everyone else but ourselves and it is stressful. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Say ‘no thank you. I can’t make it.’ No excuses, no drawn-out reason. There are only so many hours in the day! Do what you love. Say no to spending time with your loved one when they’re drinking

Say yes! Ok. It may seem like I’m contradicting myself a bit, but I’m not. Say yes to new experiences or things you haven’t tried. Say yes to your children when they ask you to play with them. Say yes to your partner to try something they love doing- within reason-ha! Say yes to your friends for a day out with no guilt. Go dancing. Sing your heart out (my favourites).

Stretch yourself. As above, get out of your comfort zone and try something new. Whether it’s a course, a job, a hobby. Give it a go but don’t push yourself too far into the pressure zone. 

 

Got it? Let me know how you get on in the comments.

 

*please seek medical advice if you are frequently feeling unhappy or low as you may need some support or extra help*

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

I have a closed Facebook Group called Vesta Confidential. If you are affected by a loved one’s substance use, come and join me.

 

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.

Drugs, alcohol and lies

Drugs, alcohol and lies

It’s tough for family or friends of substance users to understand why their loved one lies to them about their drug or alcohol use (I’ll refer to drug use from this point on, to include alcohol). It’s also incredibly frustrating because when we know someone is lying to us, it’s always really hard to call someone out about their lies because it’s all a bit embarrassing. Either that, or when we do challenge someone about catching them out, they are likely to react with anger or denial which can provide a great excuse to go and have a drink.

 

Why do they lie?

 

We know that when people are addicted to a particular substance, they struggle to find interest in anything other than their alcohol or drug of choice. This means that they are likely to do anything to get their drug, which inevitably includes lying through their teeth!

Here’s the reasons why your loved one is lying to you:

  1. Avoiding help- even if someone is aware that their drug use is causing problems, it is a HUGE hurdle to admit it to themselves, let alone anyone else. This means that in order to stay comfortable, it is easier to lie. Admitting it, getting help, being challenged, is not a nice place to be.
  2. Denial- it’s so much easier to deny drugs are a problem. It feels much safer and denial means that a loved one can continue using their drug of choice, which is their priority. It’s easier to blame every man and his dog for the problems that go on than the drug. It is important that the drug is protected, as, for whatever reason, your loved one is benefiting from their substance. It is helping them to get away from something, or it is giving them something they need.
  3. Fear- It is far too scary to admit drugs are a problem or to think about making the changes your loved one needs to make for themselves. It is easier to lie to others and ourselves when we feel frightened about facing up to something.
  4. Loving the drug- Substance users cannot imagine their life without their drug so they truly believe it is a part of their life and that they need it and want to continue using it.
  5. Shame- Drug users go through periods of wanting to change. During these times, they will experience shame about using their drugs, how they have treated their own family and friends, their desperation. Then, it can becomes clear that burying their head in the sand and lying to themselves about the situation is much more manageable than face up to their lives and the hurt they have caused other people. They even start to believe their own lies!

 

How to handle lying

 

  1. Call them out- This is cringeworthy, but you’ll get used to it. Use positive communication such as I-messages to feed their lies back to them. This is done in a way that is non-confrontational and gentle which focuses on YOUR feelings, not their behaviour.
  2. Remember it’s not you it’s them- try not to take it personally as your loved one is avoiding reality and thinking they are making it easier for you if you don’t know the whole truth.
  3. Enabling- if you want to help your loved one do something that they are not capable themselves of doing as an adult, then feel free. Do not protect them from the negative consequences of their substance use. Don’t lie to friends and family, don’t cover for them and don’t clean up after they’ve puked all over themselves. This is hard, but, if they don’t see the damage their substance use is doing, and you start lying too, then this gives a message to your loved one that lying is acceptable.
  4. Create open communication- I have supported many people that use the strategies I suggest, but this does not mean ignoring your loved one! It is absolutely crucial that positive communication methods are used. What we are aiming for is to reduce the covering up and lying, and create a secure environment where your loved one feels they can come to you and speak to you without judgement.
  5. Acceptance- accepting your loved one’s substance use, instead of fighting against it will save your energy and allow you more time to use effective strategies to reduce or stop their substance use and to learn how to put your self first and lead a better life. This will tip the balance so that your loved one learn that being sober is better than being smashed.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

I have a closed Facebook Group called Vesta Confidential. If you are affected by a loved one’s substance use, come and join me.

 

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.

Why waiting for someone to hit ‘rock bottom’ is wrong

Why waiting for someone to hit ‘rock bottom’ is wrong

One thing I often get asked or I often hear people say is that a loved one has to hit ‘rock bottom’ before they will start to think about changing their substance use.

 

I personally believe THIS IS NOT TRUE!

Here are ten reasons why…

  1. The message that a lot of services give is that nothing can be done unless the person using substances wants to change- this is not entirely true. No, we cannot force somebody to go into treatment for substance use. The individual has to be willing themselves. A very good practitioner and/or a family member to influence change in somebody. Waiting for someone to hit ‘rock bottom’ implies that NOTHING can be done when, in fact, it can. We can work with families to teach them the skills to support their love one and reduce pressure on the family. Or, get somebody through the door with a good practitioner and they might just stay.
  2. As it’s implied that ‘rock-bottom’ has to be reached, this leaves families with a painful wait until their loved one loses everything, and creating more stress and worry waiting for this journey to end, leaving them completely powerless.
  3. This often leaves a question around whether they should cut ties with their loved one or practise ‘tough love’. I do not agree with this either. Yes, people can unknowingly enable a loved one’s substance use and make it a little easier, but the suggestion that throwing them out on the street will help them to change is not going to be effective. People who have problems surrounding substance use need to know you love them and that you care.
  4. Harm reduction is always an option! If a loved one is not even entertaining the fact they have a problem, that’s fine. Another approach can be tried. It’s called harm-reduction. It’s easy to assume that abstinence is the only way forward, which means that people have to stop using and there is no other way to live. The reality is that if someone wants to continue to drink or use drugs, then we can support them to do it in the safest way possible. You never know, this type of support may even convince your loved one to change like in this article
  5. These opinions ignore the fact that you are the people living with your loved one’s substance use. You are the people that can be instrumental in supporting someone to change. You can help your loved one see that it is more attractive being sober than it is to be intoxicated.
  6. This does not help your mental and physical health. The Drug Strategy, 2017, states that “Evidence-based psychological interventions which involve family members should be available locally and local areas should ensure that the support needs of families and carers affected by drug misuse are appropriately met.” What we should be doing when families ring up for help is to be offering you a service for you, regardless of whether your loved one wants to change.
  7. Problematic substance use can be influenced by environmental changes. Families and friends are in a position to initiate this influence. They can change the environment and their responses when their loved one’s drinks or uses drugs. Families can be supported to help tip the balance so that the negative consequences of substance use outweigh the positives. Family members can show them that being sober is more attractive than being intoxicated.
  8. Family members have also been labelled as ‘co-dependent’, ‘controlling’, ‘victims’ and enablers (Landau et al) this adds further weight to families not wanting to get support for themselves. I believe families are POWERFUL, not powerless.
  9. A study took place in 2001 by Marlowe et al and concluded that ‘virtually all participants reported a combination of both negative and positive pressures’ 35% of these pressures was family pressure. So, this suggests that along with other pressures, this is a pretty high percentage that responded to their family. Therefore, ‘rock bottom’ was not necessary for them to change.
  10. ‘Intervention’ is often advertised as an alternative way of getting a loved one into treatment. It assumes addiction is a disease and therefore they have no control over their choices. Each member of the family takes it in turns to read out a prepared speech to the person having problems with substance use and then they are whisked off to rehab or alternative for forced treatment. How long do you think this success lasts for long term? I’m sure this method works for some people but I work using a person centred approach so it’s not for me (and rehab is not the only option- but that’s another blog for another day).

 

As you can see, there are lots of myths, beliefs and varying methods to support substance users. I challenge some of these. What is important is that you research them and find out what is best for you and your loved one at the time you are seeking help.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

I have a closed Facebook Group called Vesta Confidential. If you are affected by a loved one’s substance use, come and join me.

 

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.

The seven stages of family recovery

The seven stages of family recovery

I’ve made some connections this week with The National Family Support Network in Ireland. They provide information, support and advice to family members living with substance misuse.  If you live in the UK, ADFAM do similar work here.

A study was undertaken in Ireland in 2007 by Dr Carmel Duggen, for the National Advisory Committee on Drugs (NACD). She looked at the ways people coped with a family member’s heroin use. She identified seven stages that family members go through, regardless of their economic or social background. It was found that going through these stages helped affected family members to move on from a role of a victim into a role of support and recovery. This applies to their own recovery, regardless of whether their loved one chooses to continue using substances or not.

This study identified seven different stages of how family members eventually come to manage heroin use within the family. This way of thinking is now applied to family members in a wider context who are living with a loved one’s drug or alcohol use.

There are lots of models to explain recovery and, as you probably know, the cycle of change is a fabulous one. I wrote a blog about it here. It really is a good idea for people living in this difficult situation to familiarise themselves with tools to use that can help.

The stages

 

Here is my interpretation of the stages in line with the Vesta Approach’s method of supporting family recovery.

 

Stage One: Unknowing

This is when families are not aware that a family has a problem with drugs or alcohol. Either that, or they don’t know the signs. As this period goes on, the substance use will usually worsen prior to the realisation that something is wrong.

 

Stage Two: Coping Alone

Once a family member finds out about the problem, They will often try and cope with the situation alone, trying all sorts of methods to help them to change. This is so hard to do when you are not a trained professional and when you worry about what people think or try to hide the problem. The best thing to do is to ask for help.

 

Stage Three: Desperately Seeking Help

Families at this point reach out for help from services as a reaction to their loved one’s substance use. This is difficult because they do not know where to go for help. In my experience, many families think rehab is the only answer and focus on help for the person using substances rather than themselves. Getting help for yourself is the best course of action because you cannot force your loved one to get help. Trust me, it doesn’t work.

 

Stage Four: Supported Learning

Family members begin to research addiction, substance use or the drug their loved one is taking. They may be starting to get some structured help and support for themselves. Families will start to learn about how to respond and not to react when their loved one uses their substance and learn new and effective strategies to cope. Strategies will always be unique to your situation.

 

Stage Five: Reclaiming the Family

At this stage, affected family members have engaged in support for themselves and begin to understand that they cannot change their loved one, they can only change themselves. NFSN say, ‘Part of this is separating the needs of the family and their own needs from those of the drug user. Families begin to separate the family dynamic from the drug dynamic and start to address the wider family needs.’ So, this is a case of practising the new strategies over a period of time, setting clear boundaries and giving own needs priority attention.

 

Stage Six: Supporting Recovery

Families have found the strategies that work for them and have learnt the skills to change the environment in which they live so that they can influence change and tip the balance so that drug or alcohol use becomes less attractive than sobriety. Strategies such as ‘rewarding your loved one when sober’ or ‘withdrawing when your loved one uses’, while, at the same time, providing love, support and encouraging their loved one to make better choices.

Stage Seven: Contributing

Once a family member is in a recovery process from their loved one’s substance use, they will be able to support others who are going through the similar experiences. I set up a mentoring programme in a previous project. The families can contribute by telling their own story and guiding others through the recovery process which is invaluable to those who are struggling to cope themselves.

 

Tell me in the comments what stage you think you’re at.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype worldwide.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

I have a closed Facebook Group called Vesta Confidential. If you are affected by a loved one’s substance use, come and join me.

 

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

Victoria.

Dealing with aggression

Dealing with aggression

Recently, I’ve been thinking about aggression. I shared last year that I had been in a violent relationship in my twenties. It was a very difficult time, but, I learnt an awful lot from it. The main thing I learnt was that it is not acceptable for anyone to shout, hit, control or forcefully put themselves into a position of power, whether alone or in front of others.

In my professional life, I have completed a lot of training around domestic violence and also worked in organisational development where my team trained people in assertiveness and resilience. Knowing how to ‘do it’ and putting the skills into action around are emotions is a tricky challenge.

I’ll hold my hands up, when I was younger, I did not used to be as emotionally intelligent as I am now. I used to react to whatever feeling was going on inside me. If someone was annoying me I’d snap at them, if a situation annoyed me I would vent to anyone that would listen, if someone challenged my values, I would be absolutely raging!

Through my learning and self-development. I have worked on this and mantra is ‘respond, don’t react’. This applies to reacting to my own feelings as well as being on the receiving end of someone else’s. Trying to remember this mantra works well. Trust me!

 

Fight, flight or freeze

 

Our responses to experiencing stress, aggression or danger are fight, flight or freeze. I have examples of all three. Have you ever been in relationships with people that push your buttons and your values clash so much that when they argue with you, you can’t help but fight back? Does this get you anywhere? Maybe, in some circumstances where there is absolutely no other option and it’s a choice between life or death. Probably not in any other situation. This goes for arguing back too.

 

A man at Christmas chased me and my daughter in our car in a fit of road rage as I turned into a road and made him jump! It was one of those roads that appears to be wide, but when you turn into it, it’s really narrow- so it makes you jump when people turn in. As I turned into my street, I saw him behind me flashing his lights and beeping. As my daughter is four years old, I knew I had to protect her. After a on the spot risk assessment, I thought, there is no chance I’m going to pull into my drive. I carried on driving and called my husband. I drove for about a mile and a half hoping he would go, but he didn’t. Guess what? I ended up at a traffic light! It turned red. He got out and started yelling for me to wind window down. I knew I had to bring him down from his rage. With the window firmly closed and the car locked, I simply said, ‘I have my daughter in the car. My husband is on the phone. Please go away.’ Something in that sentence brought him down and he walked away.

 

We sometimes freeze when someone does or says something hurtful or embarrassing about us. I personally think that when this happens to me, it is about not being able to process what’s been said in the moment. We may not want to react inappropriately. ‘Freezing’ is how we would describe a deer in headlights. Animals freeze to try and prevent danger, such as an attacker from seeing them move. It is part of our instinct to do the same.

 

What is aggression?

 

Aggression is an inappropriate response to feelings of stress or someone or something perceived as a threat. It is where an individual believes they are standing up for themselves, but in a hostile way. This behaviour stems from not being able to see another person’s point of view, and often, not caring whether they have a view or not. An aggressive person’s views are right, ours are wrong. Life is black and white, there are no grey areas and quite frankly, they are not interested in hearing the our point of view.

 

Aggressive Behaviours

 

Aggressive behaviour is acted out in many forms, from anger, threats, bullying, shouting, punishing, coercion, control, verbal or physical violence, and conversion strategies to try and wear someone down.  People who regularly display aggressive behaviours can be authoritarian and genuinely believe it’s their way or the highway. They may have wider emotional or mental health issues going on, or be using substance problematically.

Friendships with aggressors are usually based around their perceived influence, fear and protection as opposed to friendships being formed because of commonalities and the enjoyment of someone else’s company. This is how cults and gangs are formed-by fear not fun.

 

Dealing with aggression

 

In the moment of an aggressive act, we will naturally have a fight, flight or freeze response. It’s instinctive. We are likely to complete a mini-risk assessment of the situation we are in.

Personal safety is paramount above any strategy whatsoever. If there is any threat of violence, get out of there. Walk away, run. Whatever you need to do.

Another mantra of mine is that ‘you can’t rationalise with someone who isn’t rational’. My advice is do not even try to engage in a conversation with someone who is not rational at that point. If they are drunk, angry or intoxicated in any way, do not bother to try any techniques. Leave them to it and speak to them when sober or calmer.

 

  1. Stay calm- have you ever had a good result from arguing back or retaliating? Probably not. So it’s best to avoid it!

 

  1. Empathy- are they having a bad day? Is the behaviour unusual? What’s actually going on for that person on that day?

 

  1. Take ownership- are you responsible for anything? Have you behaved aggressively yourself? Name it. I’m sorry I was talking during your presentation, but… (see point 5) We all make mistakes!

 

  1. Say something!- Only you can decide whether you say something in the moment or following an event. If someone just is not listening, forget it. Withdraw from the scene, but don’t forget about it. We often just let things go but in the long run, this passive behaviour will not get you anywhere. In the moment reponses are great, but not always appropriate or realistic.

 

  1. Respond, don’t react- Tell the other person how you feel. My favourite tool for this is I-messages. Frame it like this:
  • I feel… (state how you feel)
  • When you.. (state the behaviour)
  • I would like… (what you would like to happen instead)

For example,  “I feel upset when you shout at me. I would like it if you could wait until you feel calm to have a discussion about things in the future.”

It is a fact that NOBODY can argue with your feelings. They are yours and they belong to you.  This way will have more of an impact that yelling back at them.

 

  1. Establish triggers- if it is a loved one or someone you see regularly, working out what triggers them to aggressive behaviour is useful, so that you can plan ahead for future outbursts and how you will manage it. Look out for the red flags that are typical when their undesirable behaviours are triggered.

 

  1. Consider your values- what do you believe in? What will you or wont you accept? How would you feel if someone behaved this way towards your grandma, your best friend or your son?

 

  1. Consider the future of your relationship- violence is not acceptable in any forms. Aggression can be worked with, providing the individual is accountable and takes responsibility for their behaviour. If they do not, you do not have to accept it. Think about your options as you could reduce contact, cut ties, move out, only see in certain situations and so on.

 

I can help

 

My service, The Vesta Approach, supports families affected by a loved one’s substance use. You can access confidential support from me wherever you are in the world. I will help you to get your loved one into treatment and lead a better life. I offer face to face sessions in the Manchester (UK) area or via Skype.

I also have an online therapeutic programme. Take a look at my services here

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

I have a closed Facebook Group called Vesta Confidential. If you are affected by a loved one’s substance use, come and join me.

Sign up to my mailing list here to keep up to date with Vesta news and get my free Ten Steps to Family Recovery download.

 

Take care,

 

Victoria.